Dear pants; You are out of control. I’m calling all of you out right now. You need to learn some boundaries. You are an article of clothing designed to cover two legs and the general pelvic area. There is no need to get all cutesy with your job. Oh, you look like a skirt? F*ck you. I already have a skirt that does its job just fine, thank you. What’s that? You cost $175 because someone ripped holes in you?  I don’t know about you, but where I come from, holes don’t really make you all that special.  You don’t see me strutting around like Mick Jagger just because I got a scar one time in the third grade.

Though I have many issues to breach with you, I feel that before going any further, I must address one-legged pants specifically: Do you know what I found out last week? You actually exist:

You came into this world just to make me feel confused and angry, don’t you? You are the internet troll of clothing. You disgust me.

You think you’re all special and “unique,” but really you’re just like all the other pants except you’re missing a leg. You are basically handicapped as far as pants go. Congratulations, douche bag! You amputated your own leg just to look cool and “edgy” and (surprise of all surprises) it didn’t work! Maybe next time you’ll think about your actions a little more before you permanently alter your body just to make a stupid point. No one cares.

Seriously, pants, you’re fine just the way you are. You don’t need to get all up in the business of shirts and try to pass yourselves off as “jumpsuits.” Did you wake up one day and suddenly decide that shirts weren’t doing their job well enough and you needed to fill in?

You presumptuous sons of bitches. You think you’re better than everybody else? Well guess what, asshole; I have a nervous system and a Safeway Club Card. What do you have? Pockets? “Oh, look at me, I have a handy place to store trinkets!” F*ck you. Get out of your tower.

And gaucho pants, do you think people are going to look at you and be all amazed when what they thought was a skirt suddenly turns out to have been pants the whole time?

You got me, goucho pants. Your clever little antics were too much for my pathetic cognitive abilities. I really thought you were a skirt. Good job. Now go do something meaningful with your life.

Skinny jeans, you almost passed, but then I really started to think about you and I got all pissed off because what is it that you do, exactly?

As far as I can tell, the only thing you bring to the table is the complete inability to be removed gracefully. So basically you slightly contribute to abstinence.  Way to go, skinny jeans.  You’re so full of virtue and integrity.  You should be recognized as a saint for all you do.

Pants, you need to get a grip.  Stop trying to impress people.  No matter what you do, you’ll still just be a piece of cloth with various metal accoutrements.  Get over yourself.