Jawbreaker (1999)

Jawbreaker (1999)

It’s official, people: everything is bad for you, even your friends. Well, sort of–the quantity of friendships you have is limited by your brain, which can’t handle more than a certain number of them. According to The Wire, the structure of people you have in your life is like an onion wherein there are inner layers–family and friends you speak to frequently and think about most–and outer layers, which includes less significant people. You might be able to handle having five best friends at one time, so while those friends may be swapped out with other best friends later on, you will still have around five best friends and that “layer” will be approximately the same number as before. Make sense?

Because your brain is important to us, we want it to be able to have the most awesome friends possible. So, I have compiled a list of people you can get rid off right now to make room in your layers. Obviously, if you really, really care about somebody, you probably won’t kick ’em out of your life right away, but most of us know one or two people who are only vaguely tolerable and fall into a role below.

That Friend Who Always Forgets Her Wallet

Pro-tip: Get Venmo. It is great for those friends who never bring cash anywhere, swear they’ll pay you back next time they see you, then seemingly forget every time. After a while, it just feels petty to ask for your money, so this app actually solves a lot because you can get paid back instantly. It will also filter out people who never intended to pay you back in the first place.

That Friend Who Spoils Your TV

Once or twice is an accident; doing this all the time is just obnoxious and makes this person the worst. And then there are the people who only half spoil things, i.e. “I won’t say anything more, but just know…IT’S KIND OF EXACTLY LIKE THE END OF HARRY POTTER.” Yeah, I mean, okay. They didn’t directly give everything away, but when I’m interested in a show, I want to find out the ending on my own accord and not just have bizarre hints.

That “We Need To Hang Out!!!!1!” Friend

You know those people who are constantly telling you you two need to do something ASAP, but they never show up or respond or confirm plans? Yeah, what they mean to say is, “You need to come directly to my home and/or to a place of my choosing so I can make as little effort as possible!!!1!” And they suck.

That Friend Who’s Really, Really “Honest” (Mean)

You know what’s awesome? Being able to tell your friends the truth. You know what’s less awesome? When “telling the truth” becomes synonymous with “being an asshole.” There are some things friends should be honest about, like when your BFF is dating a total jerk or if she asks whether or not lime green lipstick goes with a red ball gown. But some people feel the need to give unsolicited, borderline awful advice about how you look in specific clothing, how much weight they think you should lose (or gain), and whether or not you can “pull off” short hair “with that bone structure.”

That Friend Who Considers You Her “Sassy Black Friend”

This has (obviously) never happened to me personally, but Ashley summed this up pretty damn well last week. This also applies to people who consider you their token LGBTQ friend, Asian sidekick, feisty Latina, etcetera. Being considered an accessory more than a friend is bullshit.

That Friend Who Makes Up Very Bizarre Stories

“A ‘friend’ told everyone that she was married to a guy named Nate and then we realized later that was the plot of One Tree Hill,” said a member of The Gloss who shall go unnamed. Many of us have had friends who have lied like crazy in the past (as you’ll see further down on this list), but some are just odd and seemingly have no positive end game.

That Friend Who’s Always Body Snarking

“She really shouldn’t be wearing that,” a new friend whispered to me once. It really bummed me out because she was the kind of person who seemed so cool and body positive at first, but underneath, she was mean and elitist. And that sucks to be around, especially if you have underlying issues with your own body (and especially especially if your body looks similarly to the person your friend was snarking on, as I did).

That Friend Who’s Always Competing With You

These people are exhausting. Bring it up to her (or him) and if it doesn’t change, give up. Not only will they never be satisfied with themselves, they’ll always be pissed at you for things they should be happy about (i.e. you got a raise, you’re in a healthy relationship, you just beat level 300 on Candy Crush).

Do not ever let anybody make you feel like you don’t deserve to win at Candy Crush.

That Friend Who Deliberately Embarrasses You

This is a tricky one because, sometimes, these people are awesome–particularly when you two are just hanging out alone. But bring her around other people and voila! Suddenly you are the butt of her every joke, and that sucks. In college, I had a friend who was really sweet in private and would be incredibly entertaining in the nicest way, but in a group setting, she would always pick one person to make fun of the entire night. Unpleasant, to say the least.

The Friend Who Makes Everything About Them

You know those people who are always going on about how they know somebody who knows somebody who almost took a trip to New York City around 9/11 and expect you to somehow feel sorry for them or wowed by this revelation when, in fact, there are humans whose loved ones were deeply affected by that tragedy? Yeah. This type of person tends to commandeer all conversations to be about either their triumphs or tragedies. They’re fucking obnoxious.

After my grandfather died a few years ago, somebody whom I was circumstantial friends with (she lived with one of my close friends) informed me that her day was just as bad because she hadn’t gotten tips from one table at the restaurant where she worked. Yeah, that totally sucks, but grandparent dying > no tips from a table. Sorry. If the tables had been turned, I (and any other normal person) would’ve never implied they were comparable.

The Friend Who Refuses To Admit That They Can’t Go Shot For Shot With Everyone At The Bar

Okay, you don’t need to stop being friends with this person–just stop going out with her to bars so she can maintain a friendship with her liver.

That Friend Who Lies About Having Cancer

I can’t even handle how many people I know to whom this has happened (myself included).