Back in May, when the story of “bath salts zombie cannibal” Rudy Eugene hit the news, people became extremely unnerved by the supposed impending zombie apocalypse. To deal with their fears, many assumed his face-eating attack was a gnarly side effect of the terrifying street drug known as bath salts, and/or “new LSDs” according to the fear-mongering doctors wheeled out by several news stations. Either way, no one wanted to believe that a naked Eugene attacked 65-year-old Ronald Poppo under the MacArthur Causeway and mutilated his face for no reason.
Turns out, he kind of did: the toxicology report is in and the only drug is Eugene’s system was marijuana. According to the medical examiner’s statement:
“The department’s toxicology laboratory has identified the active components of marijuana. The laboratory has tested for but not detected any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs…This includes cocaine, LSD, amphetamines (Extasy, Meth and others), phencyclidine (PCP or Angel Dust), heroin, oxycodone, Xanax, synthetic marijuana (Spice), and many other similar compounds. Within the limits of current technology by both laboratories, marijuana is the only drug identified in the body of Mr. Rudy Eugene.”
Obviously marijuana doesn’t make you eat people, so unless there was some sort of undetectable super drug in Eugene’s system, we’re dealing with a tragic, nightmarish story of mental illness. Which we would very well be dealing with even if bath salts were involved.
Either way, this startling new development will probably lead to thousands of uninspired “munchies” jokes on Twitter.