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Christina Hendricks is the face of our suffering.

Complaining about having big old boobs can sound mighty humble-braggy due to the way our culture has fetishized breasts, but please bear with me. Not being permitted to air grievances about your body is one of the issues that comes along with having big boobs in the first place.

Recently, I’ve been seeing a number of listicles intended to make small-busted women feel better about themselves by listing the benefits of their cup sizes over larger ones.. Unfortunately, as a woman with an ample bosom, they can often make me feel worse about what I’m working with. It’s not that I don’t want the itty bitty titty committee to love their bodies––I really do, but some of the points made uplift little boobs at the expense of bigger ones. Just like reassuring a bigger girl with the tired old phrase “real women have curves” or saying skinny women look like teenage boys sets up thinner women to feel less than sexy, telling women with small boobs that they should be happy because big boobs look fat, sloppy, and porny insults the top-heavy among us.

Since my boobs came in overnight when I was 14, they’ve been a pleasure and a literal pain in the neck. I had peers tell me that boys only liked me because of my chest, that I was a show-off for wearing certain outfits, and was branded as a slut before I’d even kissed another human on the mouth. My poor posture isn’t a result of the heft of my sweater puppies, but an attempt to minimize my overall size and keep people from thinking I’m arrogantly flaunting my tits.

I’m tired of getting stereotyped for how my body is shaped and I know lots of other stacked women have experienced similar frustrations, so here are 10 things you shouldn’t assume about me or any of your friends with big boobs:

  1. Do not assume that she likes them. The grass really is always greener. Being overly sexualized isn’t always pleasant. Small breasts are prized in fashion and seem to be considered more tasteful. Your cleavage-y friend might just be dreaming of boobs the size of champagne cups.
  2. Do not make assumptions about what her boobs look like unclothed. Some big boobs are perky, some big boobs are saggy, some big boobs come with big nipples, some don’t. You don’t know and it’s none of your business unless you’re getting the business.
  3. Do not assume that she is trying to deliberately display her “assets.” Sometimes a lady just wants to wear the latest trends regardless of her bra size. She can’t help her cleavage. If you don’t like it, avert your eyes.
  4. Do not assume that she wants a breast reduction. Maybe she’s already had one, maybe she’s happy with her enormous boobs or just doesn’t want to have an operation. If a celebrity even hints at maybe getting a breast procedure, internet-losers will start acting like she’s a terrorist against beauty (see: Angelina Jolie’s preventative double mastectomy).
  5. Do not assume she likes the attention, or that she even gets extra attention. At this point, we should all know better than to think cat-callers shouting “nice tits” at you from a moving car is at all flattering.
  6. Do not assume she does not like the attention. Big boobs are really pretty and really fun.
  7. Do not assume she feels lucky or blessed. Please don’t make the pretend bargain to just split her boobs in half so you can take one. It’s weird.
  8. Do not assume that she wants to hear why small boobs are better than big boobs. If anyone ever says “anything more than a handful goes to waste anyway” or tells me that I’m doomed to have saggy tits one day again, I’m going to freak out.
  9. Do not assume she can’t go braless. Maybe she won’t be able to run down the stairs without holding her boobs down, but she can go cage free if she wants. Going without underwire for a day is liberating for all titties, big and small.
  10. Do not assume she is okay with you commenting on her body at all. Trust that she knows her boobs are big and doesn’t need your input on the matter.  Don’t touch them, don’t compliment them, don’t insult them. Leave them alone.

Photos: Giphy