If you come over to my apartment for a glass of wine or a card game, chances are you’ll spend some time flipping through at least one piece of my somewhat sizable collection of vintage magazines. Even if you don’t want to, I’ll make you! They’re like two dimensional time capsules that reflect the true attitudes and aesthetics of decades passed. The jewel of my collection is probably my copy of Life from December 19, 1969 with Charles Manson on the cover, but we’ll talk about that another day.
As a staunch feminist and a huge pervert who loves pictures of boobies and interesting articles, issues of Playboy from the 1950s through the 1970s are among my favorite retro glossies to hoard and pore over. Quite unlike a teenage boy ashamed of his newfound masturbatory material, I’m open about my sexy mags. So open, in fact, that I’d like to have a show-and-tell right now.
Let’s take a peek at this delightful little article from the April 1969 issue of Playboy entitled “The Language of Legs.” It’s quite sexist and objectifying in a distinctly 1969 sort of way.
If this article were a blog post in 2014, it would be called “What your girlfriend’s seating position says about her.” For the purposes of this blog post, we’re going to put this thing down, flip it and reverse it: “What the way you sit says about you according to a late sixties Playboy.”
Let’s go over each seating position to find out what we’re really like. Is this how you sit? With your legs crossed and your shoe dangling off of your foot? You’re a Schemer. Dudes are going to pretend they’re worse at games than you are in order to win the game between your legs! If you curl one leg under the other, you’re a Conformist. You like being bossed around by dudes who sneak up on you at parties.
Perfectionists cross their legs and wind their top foot around the bottom ankle. If you’re this kind of sitter, dudes are going to act as pathetic as possibly as a ruse to get you to like them in a sex way.
So you only cross your ankles? Perhaps you picked that habit up at the Smith College: School for Social Work, you Social Worker. Just kidding, Smithies would never want to be with “helpless” manipulators who use their selflessness and sympathy for sexual gain. If you sit like a like a pretzel with your thighs apart, everyone knows you’re an Emancipated Woman. Get some idiot to take you on an Island vacation, because you can.
Who knew that all it takes to be considered a Philanthropist is sitting without crossing your legs? All Philanthropists are sluts!
Photos: Playboy, April 1969