Kim Kardashian has been having a rough time with this whole pregnancy thing. In addition to gaining weight in all sorts of confusing places and the tabloids deciding that Kanye West is on the verge of dumping her, Kim seems to have no idea of how to appropriately dress for her growing baby bump.
And while I normally don’t care what pleather item Kim Kardashian is wearing at any given moment–and I certainly don’t want to pile into the angry mob of people calling her fat–I am starting to feel like Kim K is going to have this baby before figuring out how to dress her growing baby bump.
Women all over the world struggle to dress themselves while growing another human inside of them, but as someone who is due to give birth in exactly two weeks, I just want to whisper some general pointers in Kim Kardashian’s general direction.
Step 1 of dressing as a pregnant lady:
Just make your boobs look good.
Step 2 of dressing as a pregnant lady:
Refer to step one.
Dressing for your body type is something that can take years to figure out. And while you’re pregnant, you only have nine months to get the gist of dressing for a completely new and confusing shape.
I am guessing this is why Kim continues to mummify her belly bump in various constricting show pieces. For a woman who is known for having the world’s most profitable music video-inspired ass, it must be a hard switch to focus all of your wardrobe attention toward your front. But as someone who has basically stopped wearing pants because they’re too constricting, I just needed to step in for a second.
And yes, maybe this post was prompted by Kim Kardashian’s dress at the Met Gala last night. Kim is an exceedingly beautiful woman. And she isn’t even someone who has seen her face change much while pregnant. Yet she continues to inspire the meanest reactions from the media and twitterati every time she steps outside. Partially because she often tries to ignore the bump in the room instead of accentuate it. Here she was in February wearing a black ostrich feather covered baby doll dress:
Clearly Kim is working really hard to step up her wardrobe and get some respite from all the fashion disaster press she’s gotten while pregnant. I watched an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians recently, OK? And Kim was supposedly edging herself near bankruptcy buying dresses to look all fancy next to Kanye on the red carpet.
Because fashion stresses her out. And the Kardashians’ life motto may as well be this:
Why make something easy when you can stress out about it, film it and earn a few thousand dollars courtesy of the E! Network?
However! As someone who has had larger breasts since high school, I feel like she is glossing over the assets that she has acquired over the last few months. Over the years I’ve learned that when you have a C cup or bigger, there really aren’t many situations where you want to have a big piece of fabric covering up your boobs and your arms. This is all the more true when you’re pregnant. A turtleneck makes a woman with boobs look unfortunately lumpy. When you’re pregnant and actually have a rather large lump in the middle of your torso, it makes you look like you’re smuggling a backpack under your clothes.
And while all women grow babies in different ways–some gain all their weight in their bump, some women’s faces change completely and some just generally seem to expand everywhere—every one can take advantage of their boobs during this special time.
I realized this again yesterday when I was slowly waddling to a doctor’s appointment. I was wearing a maxi dress and it was a nice day out. Since it’s springtime in New York, everything is under construction, and as I meandered to the Upper West Side, every single construction worker along the way stopped to talk to me.
I got a few “Hot Mommas” and at least two guys who asked me if I was having a boy. When I said yes, I almost got high fived twice, and one declared “I KNEW it!”
(Thank you unknown construction man for taking so much pride in your gender guessing skills.)
I literally have not gotten that much love from construction workers since… ever. At nine months pregnant I am getting more attention on the street than ever in my life. It is just one of those inexplicable things that accompany pregnancy that no one tells you about til you’re there.
And in conclusion, there are a lot of things about pregnancy that simply suck. Figuring out how to dress and purchasing clothes that will only fit you for a brief time is really annoying.
However! For Kim Kardashian, this is not an issue, because I’m assuming she just burns her dresses by the pool after they’ve been photographed anyway. So, to reiterate, Kim:
You don’t need to mummify your body or waterboard your feet in high heels while pregnant. Just let your boobs breath a little.
If your boobs look good, everything else you’re wearing will just be a wash. You’re growing a human and really need to remember one thing while getting dressed:
Boobs. They’re nature’s best distraction tool.