Desperate Housewives 5.11 “Home is the Place”
Air date: Jan. 4, 2009
Live blog / recap [preview]

Tonight I’m watching with Neighbor Peggy, and we’re both super, super, SUPER excited to see tonight’s episode. Check back tomorrow for the winners and losers of “Home is the Place” or nominate your own in the comments below!!

9 p.m.: Shhhh! The “previously on” is on! I’ve been waiting A WHOLE MONTH FOR THIS!!
9:01: What’d Justin say his mother’s name was? Melina Caminas…Hyenas? Is there a coincidence that both Bree and Hyenas have red hair? I’m sensing a battle between the Good Bree and the Bad Bree. I don’t think I know which one is which.
9:03 Ah! Edie Williams realty! I keep forgetting that her last name isn’t Britt anymore. Whatever. I’m still calling her Edie Britch.
9:04: What’s wrong with Dave’s face? Peggy says it looks like he stole the color from Edie’s face. Definitely not from her chest, though. Sista looks like she’s always three seconds from a terrible case of melanoma.
9:05: Peggy and I both at the same time: “Woah, Susan!” Peggy meant is as a bad “woah” to the ruh-fuffle-fuffle shoulders on Susan’s jacket. I, however, meant it as a good “woah” because her hair finally doesn’t look like a dirtier, stringier version of Kurt Cobain’s.
9:07: Ha! Lee just called Susan a drag queen! He said it, I didn’t.
9:08: “Naked people are gross,” Carlos. Some are, Carlos. Some are.
9:09: OMG! BREE AND I HAVE THE SAME IRON!!! What does this say for my homemakery abilities? Should I be able to iron like an angel now? (How do angels iron?)

9:10: Dear Bree: thank you for using the word “troglodyte.”
9:11: Lee’s a lot nicer than Bob. That is all. Wait, that’s not all. Why’s there always gotta be a “woman” in the relationship, even when there’s no woman in the relationship??
9:13: Aw, Gaby’s looking at the pretty clothes longingly. I sense a makeover coming. Actually, she looks more made-up than lately. (you know, instead of when she was supposed to be “fat” and “ugly.” I’m using a lot of sarcastic quotes in this post tonight…)
9:14: Yes! Old-Lady P.I.s (Lily Tomlin/Roberta Mrs. McCluskey) are back! I missed them so, so much. Any scene involving those two is solid-gold old desperate housewifery in my book.
9:15: Oh, Carlos. You had to have known that Gaby wouldn’t have gone for the helping-the-needy thing: “Carlos I’ve spent the last five years working with the blind. Trust me, it’s not that fulfilling.” In reality, she has been doing a lot, for someone who spent the first two seasons hardly thinking of anything but shopping, the gardener and her Aston Martin.
9:18: OK, I know there’s a lot going on in this scene with Melina Hyena and Andrew and the boyfriend potentially moving away, but all I can think of is this: Did Marcia Cross get collagen in her upper lip? Somethin’ looks a lil’ different…and plumper. Peggy says the make-up artist just traveled outside the lines.
9:20: Jackson wants Susan to move. The only thing I take from this scene is that Gale Harold probably WON’T come back, because she’s not moving away from Wisteria Lane. We know this won’t happen. There hasn’t been an emoticon invented yet for how I feel about this, so an unsmiley’ll have to do :(
9:21: Naturally, boob-grabbing leads to sleeping with your gay neighbor, right? He gave her a pretty good honk, though.
9:22: I’ve been waiting four weeks for this, and I didn’t even get to see them make out. Gotta admit, I’m super disappointed by that. If she’s going to cheat on Jackson, shouldn’t this have been more dramatic? Maybe I’m irritated because I know Jackson is Gale and Gale is recuperating, so in my head, it becomes Susan cheating on a hurting Gale. Must…separate reality…from…tv…. But seriously, isn’t it odd that we didn’t see any hankypankery at all? Is there some social norm we’d be breaking by showing a gay man making out with straight woman?
9:26: Lynette wins at everything. Out-swindling the Baby Matt Damons by getting Baby Matt Damon 2 to hand over his phone.
9:28: Ha! Gaby called Susan out on liking to hook up with service providers…Peggy says that, although Gaby makes a good point, this is coming from the woman who used to sleep with her gardener…
9:29: Gaby’s laughter is, by far, the best part about this episode. You hear it loudly and evilly in the background — no camera shot of Gaby necessary.
9:30: Old-Lady P.I.s make me so happy. Even happier that David “Dash” is on the phone with them sitting right there. Amazing.
9:31: Yes! I love the ol’ say-what-they-were-waiting-for-immediately-after-they-leave-office device. Works every time.
9:35: Who do you think you’re up against, Melina? This is the woman who once helped the kid cover up a hit and run and then kicked him out on the street. Surely she’ll show you your role, Aging Cocktail Waitress.
9:38: I love Bradley’s wife, who’s gettin’ drunk and pissy at dinner. She’s certainly not helping Gaby’s quest to become selfishly rich, but, then again, she is helping Carlos make his decision easier. (Even though is seems like his mind is made up).
9:39: Yeesss…oh man. Dave sitting at the table murmuring to his dead child/wife? The downward spiral of crazy that he’s going on is fanTAStic! I want to watch an entire episode of this!
9:45: If there’s anything more than the Old-Lady P.I.s or Crazy Dave that I love, it’s Lynette backing up her family.
“I’m going to do what I have to do to make sure my family is safe.” –Lynette.
9:48: Why is sappy music playing and forcing us to have sympathy for Gaby…as she’s telling Carlos to “grow up and make real money”?? Aside from that, Carlos and Gaby are kinda boring me in this episode.
9:50: NOOOOO!!*
*In hindsight, if he didn’t take the job, we wouldn’t have a storyline and I would continue saying things like “Carlos and Gaby are kinda boring me in this episode.”
9:51: Dear Lee and Bob’s house: I want to live in you.
9:52: “I’m not good alone, I need a man in my life.” – Susan. DH writers: please, for the love of God, turn this statement into something that all of the show’s young, female viewers know they should make fun of, instead of agree with. Please. Also, how big of a moron am I that I didn’t even consider the possibility that Lee and Susan might NOT have slept together??
9:58: Is that….? Lynette’s mom?? Amazing! Well, amazing for me + all other viewers. Not so amazing for Baby Matt Damon 1. There’s gotta be better place to hide out than Grandma’s nursing home room, right??
9:58: We’re finding out more about Dave….
9:59: No, we’re really not. Except for the fact that Edie’s kicking him out.
10:00: I just realized Mike and Katherine weren’t in this episode at all.
…and I didn’t miss ’em.