Desperate Housewives “If It’s Only In Your Head”
Air Date: May 17, 2009

I’m SUPER excited for tonight’s show. There’s so much going on. M.J. might get killed. Orson’s threatening Bree. Some hot girl is moving in with Carlos and Gaby. Neighbor Peggy’s back to watch the finale, and Friend Erin — who really couldn’t have cared less about the show a few months ago — is here watching, without any persuasion from me. Just doin’ my job and creating new fans every day. (On that note, I hear from my mother that my sister watches every week, too, even though she’d never admit it to me herself.) I have nothing to hide. I love “Desperate Housewives.” More than I love the show itself, I love the season premieres and finales. So quit yer jabberin’, and watch the show, Amy!

9:01: “The thing you have to understand about Dave Evans…” YES. We’re wating no time. We start with Crazy Dave, and we start with him video taping himself. “I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to.” Erin isn’t understanding why I think Crazy Dave is good-looking. I obviously can’t explain why. He just is.
9:02: Are we going to get a lot of M.J. in this episode? It seems likely. He’s a cute kid, I just hope he doesn’t talk/try to acft much! Yeah, yeah. Peggy’s right about him “being like 4 or something.” NO EXCUSE. Dakota Fanning has been a fantastic little actress since she was in the womb. Jus’ sayin’.
9:04: Finally. We’re seeing what happened to the doctor. It’s about time? I just don’t get how we’re supposed to buy that everyone on the show is so dense to have no brought this up earlier?
9:05: Lily Tomlin’s name just flew across the screen in the credits!!! I’m calling it right now: The Old Lady P.I.s are going to crack the entire case.
9:06: This is the FIRST time that Susan’s raising her eyebrows about Dave’s craziness. Again: Why is it fiiiiinally happening NOW?
9:07: So I heard Crazy Dave say “It’s fine, I’m just trippin’.” But he really just said “It’s fine, it’s just a trip.” I like my version better.
9:09: I wonder how much longer Gaby can keep responding to Juanita’s questions with a “because, that’s what grownups do.”
9:10: “Spend some time at the intersection of right leg and left leg?” — Karl. This is why I love him. Did I need a reason? Can we rename this show “Desperate Househusbands.” Please? They’re all soooo much more desperate than the wives. Tom? Orson? DAVE? Hellooooooo, desperation!

9:12: Jackson’s thinking that MIke turned him in. This is only going to serve the purpose of causing Susan to think about Mike still wanting her, right? The Jackson/Susan nuptials are off, most certainly, and I think we can safely say that Mike and Katherine aren’t going to get married, either. So…Susan and Mike? Ross and Rachel?
9:17: We saw this scene where Tom’s telling Lynette that he wants to go back to school in the sneak peeks, and every time I’ve seen it, I just think Lynette’s going to chop her finger off. She didn’t the first time. Or this time.
9:19: This Sex-And-The-City scene where the ‘wives are debating about what to do with Tom’s newfound interest in Chinese isn’t working for me. Susan’s whiny enough to be Charlotte, but not traditional enough. Lynette’s too smart to be Carrie, Gaby’s too hot to be Miranda, and let’s face it — the one who WOULD be Samantha died in that unfortunate electrical accident. Also, doesn’t Lynette/Felicity sound like her nose is stuffy? Poor lady.
9:20: Ha! I love Gaby! “Isn’t it just easier to shut down your hoo-haw until he lets you in?”
9:23: Katherine’s unbelievably pitiful oin this scene. There’s nothing likable about her crying, begging her fiance’s ex not to reveal that she was faking an engagement to said fiance.
9:29: Gaby’s not only reverting back to her old, snarky ways — she’s gone farther, with calling Carlos’ family trash, etc, etc. How many times are we going to watch her fail at teaching her children (just Juanita, actually) some lesson, only to learn it herself?
9:31: Aunt Connie has something to say! She’s pregnant? No? She’s getting married? She’s moving in with Carlos and Gaby? Meh. My ideas we were better than her needing someone to take her granddaughter in.
9:34: OH MAN. This scene with Orson letting Bree have it is AWESOME. “You’d actually send your wife to prison?” “My wife? No. My ex-wife? Yes.” How’s that manipulation advice you gave Lynette working for you NOW, Bree?
9:36: Carlos is only getting nicer and Gaby’s just going further and further into the depths of MeaniePants Valley. It’s a deep, dark valley, and I think she’s not near the bottom, yet.
9:37: Although I’m mildly impressed that Lynette didn’t just delete the message about Tom’s test date change, is tricking him into getting drunk the best response?
9:42: So, I know we KNEW Dave was crazy, but I am LOVING THIS SCENE with all the ghosts of Crazy Dave’s past. And now he’s got a gun. This…can’t get better!
9:47: Tom puking tequila in the parking lot? Giggling at the word “Uranus”? “Sounds like he’s ready for cooollege.” — Peggy.
9:48: Mike and Katherine getting married THIS weekend? I mean, it’s not like I expecting anything less from the finale, but in reality, Katherine was really happy about getting engaged. Would she settle for a quickie Vegas wedding?
9:49: Dave’s walking up to M.J. to shoot him?? What! And then Susan just stopped him! I so wanted to see that happen! (Note: I’m sorry I’m wishing for a child to get shot. It’d just be so much more shocking than anything we’ve seen…and let’s face it: sista’s always had a morbid curiosity, and always will.)
9:54: It’s almost 10 and although the episode is flowing well, it seems like it’s just a long episode to me. They’ll be pulling out all the stops in the second half, right?
9:55: IT’S ROBEEEERTA! “I’m right in the middle of my breakfast.” Yes! You can just see the “Golden Girls” oozing out of these two. We’re certainly laying the groundwork for their spinoff….
9:57: Jackson just can’t believe Dave is capable of locking him in the closet? Why are people SO SHOCKED THAT DAVE IS AS CREEPY AS HE SEEMS?
9:59: Three years earlier! YES! We’re going to see them before the accident!
10:03: Katherine: “Dave always gives off a weird vibe, it’s just Dave.” IF YOU GUYS THOUGHT THAT, THEN WHY HAS IT TAKEN US THIS LONG TO START DOUBTING HIM? All this stuff here that I’ve written in bold — I’ve pretty much yelled at the TV. Just thought you should know.
10:06: Erin just said she thinks Karl’s lawyering for both Orson and Bree because he doesn’t seem that surprised by Orson finding out about them breaking into the house.
10:07: Lynette’s looking sickly. You guys have been calling it for a while now that she’s pregnant, and you’re probably right on. They’re going to make us think she’s got cancer first, though.
10:08: Commercial break. We’re all talking about which one we’d want to hang out with if we had to hang out with a wife. We all agree on Lynette, most definitely. Peggy says she’d want to set Susan on fire. That’s not nice.
10:13: These scenes with the Old Lady P.I.s are pretty priceless, but they’re also OBVIOUSLY setting up the character profiles and creating a dynamic for a spinoff.
10:14: Who is this guy? He’s just strangling Orson?? Karl put him up to it? What? Where? When? Why?
10:16: Ana’s GORGEOUS. Also, she’s not blood-related to Carlos, yes? Are we going to see the reverse of John Rowland season one? [post liveblog note: She IS related to Carlos. We here at DesperateBlog do not condone incest. We do, however, love watching drama. Even if it gets trashy.]
10:21: YES! Ana’s eyeing the Baby Matt Damons/got them to clean the house. Is it just me or is this storyline almost better than the Dave-killin-M.J. line?
10:27: There it is! Lynette’s pregnant! “Are you sure it’s not cancer?”
10:31: Oh, Katherine just accidentally pushed the camera, playing the tape that Dave created that. We knew that had to happen at some point or another.
10:34: I think Mike’s going to die. I don’t know where I got that from. Just a hunch. Would you miss him? I would, and then we’d only be left with Katherine and M.J. and Susan. I want none of that.
10:35: OMG OMG OMG OMG! KARL AND BREE! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE! “My knees haven’t buckled, yet.” Erin and I are both making loud shocked squeaks. Peggy thinks we’re funny. We’re just too happy/excited/shocked to contain. Didn’t I call this?
10:36: Mike calls SUSAN before he calls the cops. And also can’t call his WIFE-TO-BE WHO HE LEFT AT THE AIRPORT?? I’m having the biggest conniption EVER right now. Why can’t anyone on Wisteria Lane ever listen to me?? Speaking of, something within the past few scenes has really endeared me to Katherine. Do I just feel sorry for her?
10:41: Tom gets just as excited about office supplies as I do!!! I wish I had school to go to so I could buy a 36-count of Crayolas. Only without the school part.
10:43: Lynette’s telling Tom she’s pregnant. “With a baby?” Are they gonna be considering abortion? Tom always wanted the babies before and convinced her to have more…but now they’ve both got the job and school…and another set of TWINS on the way?
10:45: My eyes looked down for a second, typing, and I heard Susan fall. I didn’t want to look up. “Did she just trip?? Did she just trip? Please tell me she didn’t just trip.” Peggy and Erin: “Yep. She tripped.” Ugh. She tripped.
10:46: “Mommy wake up. I get to drive the boat.” I can’t get past his horrible acting. Sweet jeebuz.
10:51: I just realized why I’ve been more interested in the Bree/Karl and Ana storylines than the major “OMG Dave’s even Psychoer Than We Thought” storyline: It’s because the major plot is only great in that last 10-15 minutes. Case in point, this episode.
10:54: Six minutes left! What’s going to happen? God, Teri Hatcher can be a fantastic actress when she’s really working for it/when the writers give her something to actually act about!
10:55: Gauranteed that Dave made M.J. get out of the car before the crash. He realized he couldn’t kill a kid, no matter how crazy he was.
10:56: Yep. Just tried to kill himself. And Susan and Mike kiss??
10:59: NOOOOOO!!!! We sat and guessed who could be under the veil throughout this entire scene, with hopes that they’d let us know. We all realize they’re going to leave us hanging for the entire summer. Who do we think is under there?