Kate Middleton is pregnant! Yesterday brought news that she is absolutely positively without a doubt having a girl (according to the psychic doctors at The Daily Mail), which led editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff to discuss their gender preferences for future progeny.
Jennifer: Do you want a boy or a girl? Don’t say you want something healthy. Take it as a given that your baby is going to be a mutant who shoots lasers out of its eyeballs. So, very healthy.
Ashley: Actually, Cyclops was the least robust mutant.
Jennifer: He was kind of feeble, but I liked him. I wish I could give birth to an X-Men, but the odds seem in favor of my ultimately giving birth to either a male or female human child (Though I already have them wait-listed at Hogwarts, so that will help).
Ashley: I didn’t know made-up wizard schools had dynastic admissions policies.
Jennifer: I donated a wing for actual English lit studies so those kids are going to know how to read in addition to studying ghost habits and tea leaves and whatever.
Ashley: Wait, no one actually learns non-wizarding at Hogwarts? Like English or math? Isn’t that negligence…?
Ashley: I guess they have wands and shit, which is like investing in one’s future.
Jennifer: They’re probably not going to make it through life without knowing how to write an essay with an “umbrella sentence” on The Great Gatsby, though. 14 times that’s saved me from getting hit by cars, so far. And wow, does it ever impress interviewers! So. Boy or girl?
Jennifer: Girl. THERE I SAID IT. GIRL. GIRL CHILD.
Ashley: You sexist monster. I think I want a boy.
Ashley: I guess because there’s a certain curiosity there, like wanting to observe what it’s like to be a boy growing up.
Jennifer: Oh, see, I feel like I really like the rituals often associated with girlhood. You’re afraid to say anything because this is going to be really heteronormative, aren’t you?
Ashley: I think you’re projecting, buddy.
Jennifer: No. I just want her to be in ballet recitals and have a pony that she loves that I will name Perestroika.
Ashley: And someday you’ll allow her to marry a doctor or a lawyer or a financier and–oh!–the shoes he will buy her!
Jennifer: I will cry really hard at her wedding, which will be at the Montauk Yacht Club.
Ashley: And then she’ll never see you display emotion again.
Jennifer: Well, when I become a grandmother I will be obligated to say things like “I don’t like the ice to get lonely” while drinking gin, because you know Grandma Cici on Gossip Girl is my role model. I don’t know. If it’s a son, I mean…
Ashley: You’d just ship him off to boarding school and that would be that.
Jennifer: Yeah, well, makes them tough. Means they can marry a nice girl who had a beloved childhood pony one day.
Ashley: And it teaches them how to give a blowjob!
Jennifer: That too! Me and my future son will never, ever talk about that.
Ashley: But you’ll see it, in his smile.
Jennifer: That is why, from his 13th year on, all our family dinners will be held blindfolded and in silence.
Ashley: Silent but for a faint smacking noise that forever haunts your heteronormative existence.
Jennifer: UGH I KNEW HARROW WOULD DO THIS TO HIM.
Ashley: I think the point we’re driving at here–besides the fact that shit gets real real at English boarding schools–is that, as a prospective parent, it’s kind of shallow to have a gender preference for your kid. But everyone does, except sanctimonious assholes who use that “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy line.”
Jennifer: Shit gets SO REAL there. You picked a boy. Why? So his shit can get really real?
Ashley: I don’t know why, honestly. Anytime I actually try and parse our those preferences, I realize they don’t make sense.
Jennifer: Oh, sure you know why, you just don’t want to say it. Because society demands we only want something healthy. And really, isn’t that kind of bullshit for all the sick kids out there? It’s like saying “sorry, cancer baby, you were not what was desired.”
Ashley: Yeah, actually, the whole idea of projecting your own wants and desires on a separate sentient being that doesn’t exist… makes me uncomfortable.
Jennifer: But you said you wanted a boy. Why do you feel that way? I have explained why I would want a girl.
Ashley: I told you, I honestly don’t know, other than that I think seeing how boys grow up would be interesting to witness. I already know what it’s like to be a girl.
Jennifer: That seems reasonable. Won’t it be hard with him so far away at boarding school, though?
Ashley: You do have a singular focus on shipping sons off to boarding school. Is it because you want them to come back with English accents?
Jennifer: That’s… a normal reason. Also, a sense of the class system, at least one friend who is a Lord and an ability to drink. If by some weird quirk I end up a young widow/divorcee I could also visit him there and DEFINITELY sleep with attractive British dads/teachers just saying, sorry.
Ashley: Oh man, I want to call you a monster for that, but it’s really just forward thinking. You’re investing in your future, the way Hogwarts never did in those wizard kids.
Jennifer: Yeah, those kids didn’t even come out knowing any Lords. Except for Voldemort. And they didn’t make friends with him, so no country weekends to be had there.
Ashley: I should probably read those books at some point, so I know what people are fucking talking about.
Jennifer: Look, a lot of my sentiments regarding children and leveraging them to my own advantage are terrible. J.K. Rowling almost certainly would not approve. That said, I’d probably be more easygoing with a girl than a boy? So, let’s do a girl.
Ashley: I guess I should read them in case I have a boy someday (girls are illiterate).
Jennifer: (But beautiful) (To be a superb horse-woman, you need to know how to read a little bit. Like, to look for exit signs in the ring).
Ashley: Maybe we should get dogs and project our inadequacies onto them? Like, “Maybe if had spent less time watching TV as a puppy, Spot, you’d have published a novel by now. You piece of shit.”
Jennifer: You have no idea how hard Spot is working on typing without opposable thumbs. He can do 88 words a minute!
Ashley: Spot’s a phony.
Jennifer: Also, he’s a better reader than any girl-child, and I think the way he hosts Wishbone is inspiring. I hate how mean you are to your kids. Thank goodness they have me as a Godmother, and I’ll teach them that it’s OKAY to BE WHO THEY ARE. Spot is working on finding me a Lord to hang out with.
Ashley: Let’s get dogs and emotionally abuse them and then be happy with whatever kids we have.
Jennifer: I can’t stand the idea of cleaning up after a dog and having to go home to walk it all the time. Can I have a goldfish?
Ashley: Can you berate your goldfish for not being ambitious enough?
Jennifer: HE JUST SWIMS IN CIRCLES ALL DAY WASTING HIS PHD
Ashley: He’ll never make anything of himself.
Jennifer: But he has a wonderful ability to love.