It’s almost Valentine’s Day! And that means it’s time to put chocolate on everything, and I do mean everything. (The italics indicate that last word should be read in a voice dripping with sexual innuendo, which I may have ruined with this parenthetical aside because I’ve been told on several occasions that parenthetical asides are not sexy.) Valentine’s Day is a day for celebrating with chocolate and candles and Champagne and jewelry and weird sex games you look up on the Internet but don’t really understand. Really, though, it’s about candy. Here’s what your favorite Valentine’s Day candy says about you.
1. Candy Hearts
Ugh. You’re that mythical “cool girl” who likes football and eats only bacon cheeseburgers but remains a size 2 or smaller and makes fart jokes and picks her nose but in a way that’s somehow sexy, aren’t you? You hate cleaning, but your house is clean. I don’t think you really exist. I think you are a parody Instagram account like Hipster Barbie. If you do exist, I think you’re about three weeks away from going all Gone Girl on everybody.
You are me, visiting from 2011 or earlier, aren’t you? You have no real plans, but any plans you do have involve getting drunk on extremely good alcohol and maybe watching some TV or even–gasp!–seeing a movie. It doesn’t matter. You don’t need to plan because you can just walk out the door anytime you want and the world will rise up to meet you with joy and excitement. Take lots of pictures. You’ll want them later.
3. Red Velvet cupcakes
You have a lot of days when you pass the cupcake store and think, “I wouldn’t mind a cupcake. But no, I’ll be good. I should avoid sugar and white flour. I don’t want a cupcake badly enough to eat one right now.” And then you feel good about that decision all day, but we both know that by 11 p.m. you’ll be standing in front of your refrigerator holding a Lush Chocolate Cupcake face mask in your hand and thinking about eating it.
4. A giant heart-shaped box full of chocolates
People can’t tell you’re being traditional ironically. You love brooches and dressing gowns and diamonds, and people think you’re just like a super normal girl, but then you get all offended and are like, “I’m indulging in a retro fantasy! Can’t you tell?” You love pretense and drama and marabou-trimmed dressing gowns, but your floor isn’t clean enough to wear a marabou-trimmed dressing gown, because you would basically be wearing a giant, expensive Swiffer. You’re really quite laid-back. Nobody who can deal with the stress of an unmarked box of chocolates–which ones have that disgusting marshmallow fluff?–is really that controlling of a person.
5. Chocolate roses
(Via The Chive)
You don’t really want chocolate, or roses. What you really want is for someone to spontaeously give you dumb little presents. Like when the person is running around from table to table selling single roses, you secretly want someone to buy you one. But you’re also pragmatic. You know that single rose is going to wither in an hour, so instead of being made of rose, it should be made of chocolate.
6. Sexy foodplay
Whipped cream bikinis, chocolate drizzles, random Maraschino cherries. Whatever it is, you’re going to smear it on yourself. You’re adventurous and bold and you want everyone to know that you are always up for anything. You do not, however, have an exit plan. By that I mean that you do not have a 401K or a solid retirement plan or an emergency fund or even an idea of how you’re going to clean up your bedroom after you soaked your mattress in au jus and Nutella. You live life to the fullest, but you probably have bedbugs.