Last time around, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff played a pretty scrappy game of Fuck, Marry, Kill over American literary giants Faulkner, Hemingway and Fitzgerald. Now, their prompt is more offensive. If you are unfamiliar with the game Fuck, Marry, Kill (and yet inexplicably reading a website currently), it’s simple: you must choose among the three names given who to fuck, who to marry, and who to kill. If you do not care for Jennifer and Ashley’s rhetoric, skip their discussion and go to the bottom of the post, where you may cast your vote.
Jennifer: So. Marry Martin Luther King. Fuck Jesus because otherwise he’ll just be washing people’s feet all the time and not really be around a bunch. Kill Gandhi because he’s a weird little diaper baby who beat his wife.
Ashley: Okay, wait. Wasn’t he in arranged marriage? As a kid? Shouldn’t you Google that? This is a tough one because none of them are immediately fuckable.
Jennifer: Wait, you don’t think it would be fun to fuck Jesus? He seems really giving. I think he’d give you a foot massage, too. Like in a weird, erotic, Pulp Fiction way.
Ashley: Jesus would really offer a lot of himself to you, I totally agree. He’d be very giving. SELF-SACRIFICING EVEN.
Jennifer: But then after the relationship ended you’d be all “why have you forsaken me!?”
Ashley: Or like, “Where’s that chair you promised to build me?!”
Jennifer: Do you know my favorite part of the Bible, and the part that really makes me think “hi, Jesus, fun fuck?’
Ashley: No! But you’re going to tell me!
Jennifer: When Jesus is like “fuck you, fig tree.” I know it’s a metaphor for, umm, spiritual withering, but it also makes me believe that sex with Jesus would be spicy! Also, I don’t like oranges. So we’d have something in common.
Ashley: Look, Jesus might actually be a good catch because, hey, free wine forever. So at least I could drink like a fish and no one could ever call me on my shit because I’m married to the son of man, fuck you.
Jennifer: Ashley, they’d crucify you eventually, and you know he’d be off with Dirty Mags.
Ashley: Hm. Well, I think the better candidate for marriage is Dr. King. He has a degree in systematic theology from BU and that’s some pretty outre shit. He and I could stay up late and have long talks about ontological goings on.
Jennifer: I like that. Also, he was a very good dresser. Not to be a shallow, but, totally. Totally someone you would want to stand next to and look good alongside of. Also, God, what an orator.
Ashley: Oh man, I mean, that’s obviously his hottest quality.
Jennifer: I mean, Jesus had his moments too, but he also had his share of “fuck you, fig tree!” moments or moments when he chased moneylenders around like some sort of Loony Toons cartoon. You know what? I’d do better with Jesus. Marry him despite his weird beard. MLK would ultimately be too levelheaded for me.
Ashley: I think that’s a really rational breakdown. So. Now we have to go to sleep at night dealing with the weight of being Women Who Would Kill Mohandas Gandhi. Why are you such a bitch?
Jennifer: He beat his wife. He may have done great stuff, but he’s obviously the worst choice relationship-wise.
Ashley: No, he was a kid! Also, the reason we know this is because he admitted it in his autobiography! And was ashamed of it. It’s not like he was Gandhi as we know him to be and also just punching women and biting meat off live cows. PEOPLE CHANGE JENNIFER
Jennifer: Has anyone ever done that? Because I want to bring them into next week’s “villain” edition.
Ashley: God. I’ll do that. Just run through cow fields, leaping on the backs of animals and biting their spines; screaming “I’M MOHANDAS FUCKING GANDHI” as the blood runs down your face. …Then I’d marry Martin Luther King Jr!
Jennifer: Because of the way you’d have seen a little too much of Gandhi, what with his loincloth lying everyplace given all the leaping?
Ashley: Okay, look. It’s hard to play Fuck Marry Kill with three guys that I think everyone can agree are good. But I think what matters here is MLK dressed really well and Jesus can turn water into wine. Which dovetails nicely with TheGloss’ identity as a site for booze-swilling harpies who like dresses.
Jennifer: A harpy can’t fly on one wing! Is that joke too esoteric?
Ashley: Yeah, I don’t know that. I mean, I’m still weirded out by calling women harpies because I learned about harpies from the totally scarring cartoon version of The Last Unicorn and when I was teenager I’d hear “Harpy” and think, “Does it mean she has 3 tits?” No. No it does not. Saying someone is “like Total Recall” means they have three tits. Or four.
Jennifer: No, no, harpies are adorable. Maybe they have three breasts. Maybe they have however many breasts they fucking feel like! “A bird can’t fly on one wing” is a 19th century proverb that encouraged people to take another drink. I can’t believe you don’t know that. Because drinks are like…wings.
Ashley: Wow. That’s a good expression.
Jennifer: Yeah, so Jesus, Jesus would give you all the wings. There’s a lot of alcoholism in the Bible and people rarely get called out on it. No one ever tells Noah he needs an intervention.
Ashley: Look, back to Gandhi: he was a vegetarian and referred to sex as “carnal pleasures.” I think that means he’s not a viable candidate for marriage or fucking. So, actually, I just came to terms with having to kill Gandhi. I feel like it would take Gandhi twenty minutes to get your bra off, you know?
Jennifer: Oh, and he’d be sitting around wearing a loincloth as he did it. He’d keep leaning over in this awful way and exposing himself and it would just be the worst. THE WORST.
Ashley: Oh my god. Can you imagine attend social obligations with Gandhi and he’d be leaning over to pet a dog and just show brain? Just show nothing but brain?
Jennifer: His spectacles would always be flying off. I couldn’t handle it. Sorry. He has to die. He’ll go gently.
Ashley: So. Now we’re left with two solid guys. One offers limitless wine and cool in-laws. The other has a doctorate in philosophy and can dress like a motherfucker.
Jennifer: I will marry Jesus, fuck MLK. I feel like among other things, Jesus is great with kids.
Ashley: He would go fishing with them and teach them nothing!
Jennifer: And when I become irrationally enraged and am like “I fucking hate you, orange tree” Jesus will curse it for eternity. HELLO LOVE.
Ashley: See, I feel like you fuck Jesus and have a glass of wine after and be done with it. He’s a nice guy. You definitely won’t hate yourself after. But I also like my men a little more dynamic, even selfish. MLK would teach me how to wear a checkered suit and each morning we’d sit down to breakfast and he’d read the newspaper aloud and I would hang on every word.
Jennifer: You always try to marry people who would make you BETTER. Have you noticed that? I always marry people I think I could lollygag around cursing all manner of trees with, laughing, laughing loudly.
Ashley: Hm. Maybe you should marry St Augustine? Or George Washington? Or Hexus! From Fern Gully!
Jennifer: I’ve never seen any of the movies you are referring to.
Ashley: Okay. You marry Jesus. I hope you get lots of great chairs and benches. I say: fuck Jesus and take his wine. Marry Dr. King and talk about philosophy and menswear forever. Kill Gandhi.
Jennifer: Okay, marry Jesus, because he’s got a warped sense of humor and we’d get along fine. Fuck Martin Luther King because he is very good looking and moral and an excellent orator. Kill Gandhi, because, everything.