Last time around, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff celebrated Halloween by playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with some great movie psychopaths. Today, they’re playing with a trio of beloved Christmas characters. If you are unfamiliar with the game Fuck, Marry, Kill (and yet inexplicably reading a website currently), it’s simple: you must choose among the three names given who to fuck, who to marry, and who to kill. If you do not care for Jennifer and Ashley’s rhetoric, skip their discussion and go to the bottom of the post, where you may cast your vote.
Ashley: We shall begin by pulling what I like to call the “Hentai Defense,” in which we shall say that Tiny Tim and all iterations of Tiny Tim (including the Micky one) are over 18, despite every single thing we know about him. It’s probably because of the crutches. They make you look shorter, and therefore like a child.
Jennifer: Sure, that makes a lot of sense. I would, however, like to say that I really pushed for Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas, because absolutely none of the characters picked are remotely fuckable. No matter how you cut it, you’re still trying to have sex with a man who is somewhat paralyzed if you opt to fuck Tiny Tim, and it just seems like a lot for me to deal with. But if you kill him, you’re a monster, right? The only obvious option here is to settle into some sort of weird, married, sugar daddy arrangement with Santa, where you croon “Santa Baby” all the time like some deranged lounge singer.
Ashley: I shot down Jack Skellington. At best he’s an anti-hero, Christmas-wise. Also, I have pretty complicated feelings about Nightmare Before Christmas, because ultimately its message to children is “stick to what you know.”
Jennifer: You know, that’s not how I remember it at all. I think Nightmare Before Christmas was about building on established traditions, making them more interesting and even “edgy” or “dangerous.”
Ashley: They give snakes to children. You don’t remember the movie.
Jennifer: That’s actually what I’m thinking of. Delightful snakes. Who was the philosopher – Aristotle? I’m actually sure it was Aristotle – who wrote “who among you, when your child asks for an egg will give him a scorpion?” Jack Skellington! Jack Skellington will! And then those kids will have a pet.
Ashley: You’d make the worst Roman emperor ever.
Jennifer: Oh my goodness, that quote is actually from the Bible. Well, we’ve really brought it back to the Christmas season, so that’s good.
Ashley: Now, let’s bring it back to what’s important: Jimmy Stewart’s outrageous handsomeness. Do you marry Stewart? Or do you fuck him? That’s really depends on how much you like presents, Jen. And I know you like presents.
Jennifer: Oh, I’d certainly marry Santa. I love presents. But you know how fundamentally suspicious I’ve always been of It’s A Wonderful Life.
Ashley: Ugh. Say more.
Jennifer: Well, look, George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart’s character) is standing on a bridge, about to commit suicide. He’s lost all his money.
Ashley: I thought he just liked the ocean!
Jennifer: And then an angel comes to him and shows him how sad everyone would be if he hadn’t been born. And it is conclusively determined that the world would be worse if he had not been born. Which is all well and good, except George thought that everyone’s life would be better if he jumped off a bridge at that point, and the angel chooses not to address that at all. What I always took out of that was that George’s best days were definitely behind him, and everyone would be better off if he jumped. It’s cool how George never noticed that and they just glazed over it for the sake of a happy ending. Jack Skellington wouldn’t have fallen for that shit.
Ashley: That’s what that movie is about? Jesus. I thought it was about… reporters? Fast-talking reporters? And maybe a scene at a bank? Then some people around a tree. Christmas stuff. Lots of banks. I know I’ve seen this.
Jennifer: It’s about man’s struggle with suicide. And it contains the darkest message of all. I can’t fuck someone I’m going to have to pull off a frosty bridge when they figure out that the angel never addressed their point. I just can’t.
Ashley: Well, I like complicated men! So maybe I’d marry him. Which leaves me with fucking Santa or Tiny Tim, which… Well, I don’t think my paycheck is sufficient to honestly explore that question.
Ashley: I mean, Santa. Rather than wade into frightening waters like the potential appeal of authority figures in childhood or even just older men… I love beards. That’s one thing. And I love glasses! Especially reading glasses! As for Tiny Tim… well, I don’t think I could sleep with someone… that much… shorter?
Jennifer: I hate that you dragged Tiny Tim into this. I know I agreed to it, but I’m just having serious problems wrapping my head around fucking him, but you CANNOT KILL TINY TIM. I mean, you definitely cannot kill Santa, though. But marrying Santa would mean being Mrs. Claus.
Ashley: You’d have to be a sexy Halloween costume forever!
Jennifer: Meanwhile, marrying Tiny Tim would mean a life of extravagant, Victorian misery.
Ashley: Man, this is pretty bleak. Our Christmas game comprises a suicidal sad sack, a disabled …young person and Santa. Santa Claus. Could we maybe swap hum out for his more sexually sophisticated, dangerous northern alter-ego Sinterklaas?
Jennifer: He travels with a pack of black men who beat children. I cannot go to that place, Ashley. And by that place I mean The Netherlands, seemingly a culture devoid of a terrible racial history?
Ashley: I don’t know how I’m getting out of this one. Other than… you’re completely racist for not wanting to marry Sinterklass on account of his loyal servant, Black Pete!
Jennifer: You dig yourself into a deeper hole with every move you make.
Ashley: Okay, okay. Fine. Closing arguments.
Jennifer: Fine, I will marry Santa Claus, because I like presents, and he seems nice. I will fuck George Bailey on the very off chance it will make him feel okay about the world, and I will have a wealthy husband so will be able to help him out with some of his financial difficulties. Tiny Tim I will kill, because he likely did not have long to live and because I just couldn’t fuck Tiny Tim, I couldn’t, it just feels wrong even if you claim he is 18.
Ashley: I will marry Jimmy Stewart because of his broad, conventional good looks and because he’s got demons, which is hot. I’d fuck Santa because… because… he’ll probably have some cookies around? Ugh. And, yeah, Tiny Tim had it coming. …I mean! He was so young! …But not too young!
Jennifer: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I want to feature Jack Sekllington next week.
Ashley: I want you to go to Hell.
Jennifer: I’m putting a scorpion in your stocking.