EIC Jennifer Wright is locked into this season of Game of Thrones. Deputy editor Ashley Cardiff hasn’t watched any of season two because… because she worries. Still, there’s a lot of hot, complicated men on the show and we thought we’d do a Fuck Marry Kill on the subject. Also, we’re aware that Jezebel did this already (albiet in a different format) but we’re firmly convinced they plagiarized us! Damn their time machines!
Jennifer: Wait! WAIT! I WOULD LIKE TO OBJECT. Why is Tywin Lannister not on this list? Is it because I love him too much? Is it because he is to TOO heroic?
Ashley: It’s because you have a problem. And you’re obsessed with power more than… any Game of Thrones character, I guess. And we can’t do all Lannisters. I made the concession for Jamie even though he pushed a child out a window.
Jennifer: But Tywin hates illiteracy!
Ashley: Also, you totally bullied me into this even though you know full well I haven’t seen a single episode of Season 2. Because it stresses me out.
Jennifer: And Tywin, also, is ruthlessly dedicated to his work. Since you have not seen season 2, I’ll say there’s a great scene with Tywin where he’s working on battle plans, and one of his generals says “perhaps we’d benefit from a rest” because they’ve gone without sleep for three days and Tywin is all “perhaps you would, go take one at your castle and never show your face here again.” Also, he’s really nice to Arya.
Ashley: Arya is his servant? Also, that sleep thing is fucked up. It’s strategizing, not hell week in SEAL training.
Jennifer: Wait! Look at how badass he is! Actually, this is just nice. This is just a nice exchange:
Arya Stark: Visenya Targaryen was a great warrior. She had a Valyrian steel sword she called “Dark Sister.”
Tywin Lannister: Hm. She’s a heroine of yours, I take it. Aren’t most girls more interested in the pretty maidens from the songs? Jonquil, with flowers in her hair?
Arya Stark: Most girls are idiots.
Tywin Lannister: [laughs] You remind me of my daughter. Where did you learn all this stuff about Visenya and her Valyrian steel sword?
Arya Stark: From my father.
Tywin Lannister: [gives Arya a searching look] He was a well-read stonemason? Can’t say I’ve ever met a literate stonemason.
Arya Stark: Have you met many stonemasons, my lord?
Tywin Lannister: [with a small smile] Careful now, girl. I enjoy you, but be careful.
Ashley: This tells me nothing.
Jennifer: It tells you that he’s not only the most powerful man in Westeros, he’s also nice to his servants. The true test of character being how well you treat those you don’t HAVE to be nice to, etc.
Ashley: It’s true. It’s why you should never date someone who’s an asshole to waiters. Let’s step away from Tywin though, because he’s not in this fucking competition.
Ashley: Okay, anyway. I already know mine.
Jennifer: I know mine, too!
Ashley: Kill Jaime, because he pushed a child out a window. Marry Jon (even though I can’t and he’s a virgin) because he’s dutiful and good-looking. Fuck Tyrion. I know a lot of ladies would marry Tyrion, even though he’s really smug. But he’s still Peter Dinklage under all that smugness and therefore very, very handsome.
Jennifer: Okay, frankly, I no longer watch Jon’s story line because all he does is be sad and earnest and never makes good jokes. Umm, I feel pretty bad for Jaime because it’s revealed he’s dyslexic, and Twyin made him spend 4 hours a day reading until he learned, by God (I kind of think Tywin might be a member of the sleepless elite who only require four hours of rest a night?) (I find that overpoweringly attractive?)
Ashley: Oh, like Bill Clinton! I love those people. It’s unbelievable. However, reading 4 hours a day to “fix” it? Can you really just headbutt dyslexia like that? I don’t think that’s very realistic.
Jennifer: Here, watch this clip, this is how it works.
Ashley: No. No we are not talking about Tywin. You are hijacking this Fuck Marry Kill with your weird quest for power. Your bloodlust.
Jennifer: Look, I just love reading. Also, people with warm hearts under their extreme frosty exteriors.
Ashley: Great. You love stock characters.
Jennifer: Okay, so my decision is Tywin rides in on a fucking white horse, just like he does in the actual show. Then we marry. Umm, Tyrion can be there and make so many good jokes! It will be great. Jaime can also be there. He can read stuff because his father – who probably had shit to do, because he’s the most powerful man in Westeros – took 4 hours a day out of his schedule to read with him. And, I guess Snow or Rob Stark or whoever the other one is can die.
Ashley: YOU ARE IGNORING THE PROMPT. Also, you’re having a father-son orgy with a tyrant and a child killer while an immediate relative stands by and makes wisecracks. You’re sick.
Jennifer: I NEED THE FREEDOM TO BE THE KIND OF WOMAN I WANT TO BE.
Ashley: Okay, since we haven’t actually talked about anything, I’m sticking with my earlier decision: Jon Snow is handsome and honorable so I’ll marry him; Tyrion is Peter Dinklage so I’d fuck him, and Jaime is an incestuous power-mad child murderer, so I’d kill him.
Jennifer: Actually, one of the coolest things about Tywin is that somehow he is not a tyrant? Even though he says awesome stuff like this: “Burn the villages, burn the farms. Let them know what it means to choose the wrong side.” Umm, I’ve made my decision. That said, I guess, in a nightmare world where Tywin is not an option, marry Tyrion, fuck Jamie, kill Rob/Jon/that character whose storyline I stopped watching because I am team Lannisters.
Ashley: You are team evil. You are always team evil. Don’t kid yourself.
Jennifer: The Lannisters are really well developed and they are fighting against illiteracy!
Ashley: So were the Nazis, in a manner of speaking.
Jennifer: NO THEY WEREN’T.
Ashley: Okay, not really.