MADRID, SPAIN - OCTOBER 29: Actress Gwyneth Paltrow attends 'El Hormiguero' TV Show at Vertice Studios on October 29, 2012 in Madrid, Spain. (Photo by Pablo Blazquez Dominguez/Getty Images)

Photo: Pablo Blazquez Dominguez/Getty Images

Last week, Julia discussed the implausibility of anybody really wanting (let alone needing) most of Oprah‘s annual “Favorite Things” list. Now, we move onto the less-adored version of that list: Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Annuel Goop Gift Guide.

Goop has long held a tradition of marketing useless, pretentious items that are marked up thousands of dollars to a price that has little to no correlation with how good the product’s quality is. To be fair, this is actually a longstanding tradition in just about all of what’s known as “high fashion,” but Goop is really up there on the list of guilty parties.

So when we saw that the annual Goop gift guide was out, we knew things couldn’t be anything but awful. And ridiculous. And potentially infuriating, but mostly laughable. Let’s start with the ones that don’t horribly suck, shall we? It’s time to see how the other half lives, i.e. stupidly and with little regard for value.

1. L.L. Bean Bags, $20 – 200


L.L. Bean’s products go lowest on the list because they are actually useful, high-quality, awesome and the company itself has amazing customer service. I was admittedly surprised to see them on Goop’s list.

2. Glassybaby Votive Holders, $44

Candle Votives

To be fair, these look incredible when looking at them like this. To be fair to your sensibilities, these also cost $44 each. Nevertheless, they also come from a solid company and are great, so they do not fall under the category of “WTF, Gwyneth Paltrow???” like the items that you’ll encounter below.

3. Rok Espresso Maker, $171


A fancy hand cranked espresso machine for those times when life is just too easy. Goop’s description: It’s “cool for a dude.” After all, women don’t even like espresso and men only want it if it took a terribly long time to make, right? Right.

4. 5 Olive Oil, $45 – 50

olive oilll

Out of my typical cooking price range, but I suppose there are some people who love to cook with snazzy EVOO. Side note: Am I the only person who hates the abbreviation “EVOO”? I wanted to just say “OO” but that felt…weird. Now I just feel like Rachael Ray. Sigh.

5. 72 Editions Neon Pink Slingshot, $120

Neon pink slingshot

I get that people love anything that’s limited edition because, like Beanie Babies, they think it will be shockingly valuable in several years (that, or they’re just pretentious and love telling guests they have rare stuff on their equally pretentious bookshelves). But that doesn’t mean we have to actually get everything (or anything, actually) that’s limited edition, even if Gwyneth Paltrow tells us to.

6. Anthropologie Newspaper Animal Heads, $68


I mean, it’s from Anthropologie. There was no way it was going to be logically priced.

7. Brass Colored Pencil Set, $75

colored pencils

For those times when you want your kids to have all the other kids think they’re douchebags.

8. Claire Vivier For Goop Duffle Bag, $485


While this is prettier than the other Claire Vivier item on the list, who has $485 to drop on a duffle bag?

9. My Father’s Daughter and It’s All Good signed, $55 each

It's All Good

Naturally, Gwyneth couldn’t resist marking up even her own books.

10. Mapkins: Candymap Style, $79 (set of 4)


What, you’ve never wanted to wipe your disgusting mouth on France before?

For more Goopness (ew), including the most insanely priced seventh grade decoration ever, keep going…

11. Mini Jambox, $179


You know, because the “boombox on the shoulder” look will hands down come back someday. Yes. Absolutely.

12. Dodo Case Folio for iPad Mini, $125


While I understand that expensive products need solid cases, I’m not sure they need cases that cost a third of the price of the product itself…

13. Rust Designs Birch Oval Platter, $115

Birch Platter

This is a plate. And it costs $115. Let me reiterate one more time: it’s a fucking plate.

14. Claire Viver Foldover Clutch, $260

Claire Vivier Foldover Cluthc

It’s a little purse that resembles something my cousin’s children make in preschool. Unless there’s a missing decimal between “2” and “6,” I think I’ll be skipping this.

15. Olivia Von Halle Lila Alexa Monogrammed Pajamas, $531 + $19/letter up to $563/3 letters (yes, really)

Lila Alexa Pajamas

Monogrammed letters for over $500. I had to check that 3 times because I was paranoid I might be accusing a company of something untrue, but I’m not. Holy crap.

16. Tom Dixon Gold Tea Set, $85 – 200 per piece

tom dixon gold tea set

Yeah, so any time a store has a cake slice that costs $85, I just turn myself around and walk out the door. In my whole life, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered somebody who needed or wanted or even really liked the idea of a cake slice that costs $85.

17. Malle W. Trousseau Kitchen Set, $5800

Kitchen set

Do you have nearly $6K to blow through on one gift? If so, hi, please help me with my college loans! Uh, I mean, buy this kitchen set. It’s got several knives. It’s from MoMA. It’s — ah, fuck it, I can’t even pretend I know anybody who would buy this.

18. Fornasetti Silenzio 68 oz. Candle, $495

candle omg

So, this is an almost $500 candle. Yes, it’s big and pretty, but…but it’s almost $500. You can go to small businesses run by families that have been around for ages who make beautiful, high-quality, sustainably-sourced candles and they will still not cost you $500.

19. Seletti Vegaz Letters, $512 – 637.50

Seletti Vegas Letters

These are literally just glowing letters. My first initial alone is $512.50; all four of them would be $2048.50. Pro-tip: Go to a craft store, pick out some wooden letters, paint them, then wrap Christmas lights around ’em. Oh, look, you did not just blow your entire rent check on something that belongs in a seventh grader’s bedroom or an as-seen-on-TV man cave!

20. Hermès Playing Cards, $104

Hermès cards

No, nuh-uh. No. Playing cards are like $1, maybe, almost everywhere you go. A really nice pack of cards can be $30. A collector’s edition pack of cards — $50, tops. But over $100 for some cards because they are orange? No. Go fuck yourself.