Hi Muffy! Hi Pritch! Hi Biff! Love your Louis Vuitton steamer, Muffy. Happy holidays!

No, Biff, that’s not what terrorists say.

Because terrorists don’t celebrate New Years, that’s why. They are, by definition, holidays. There are two of them. And really, who uses the word “pinko” other than like, Roy Cohn? And you, I guess?

Ha, ha, ha, Biff you are such an asshole.

So, umm, what are you all doing for the holidays?

Oh, Muffy, you’re always going to Aspen. I umm, would go to my family’s palatial Aspen home too, but I have, umm, foot problems. I have webbed feet. That’s why we’re not going there. Because no skis will fit my monster swan feet.

Prtich, you’re going to Ibiza? Fun! And you’re all staying with Jade Jagger? Oh, that’s fantastic! She’s such a sweetheart!

No, I don’t know her! At all! But I read Andy Warhol’s Diary. She had a cat when she was a kid but they made her give it away, and then it just died. Right away. It was really sad. It was just like, “can’t live with Jade Jagger anymore? Boom. Dead.” Gee, I hope nothing like that happens to you.

Biff, your parents are in France so you’re just going to hang out at your New York apartment and do tons and tons of drugs?

Well, Biff, by the time we are twenty-five, you are going to be one of those people who speak really, really slowly. But we don’t know that yet! Great plan!

I’m going home to Chicago to see my Mom and Dad. We’re going to bake pumpkin pies and make truffles while singing along to Sweeny Todd. Then we’ll sit in front of the fire drinking eggnog and talking about our hopes and dreams and making goddamn hilarious eggnog spurred witticisms. I am not joking. I am not joking at all.

My holiday plans aren’t changing as long as there is eggnog to drink and cherry truffles to be made.

See you all January 3rd. Enjoy Ibiza, and tell Jade I’m really sorry about her cat, huh?