Is your Facebook feed changing too quickly to keep up? Are you worried that too many people can see your profile? Just get defriended. Here’s a guide, inspired by that annoying girl from college I finally defriended last week.

  • Sign up for every single application on Facebook. Farmville? Check. Mafia Wars? Check. The one where you collect undersea animals? Done and done.
  • Invite your friends to join you in participating in said applications. I mean, your farm isn’t going to grow itself.
  • Write all your status updates in all caps and/or with multiple exclamation points.
  • Mention bodily functions – either your own or those of your child.
  • Use your status updates to passive-agressively talk shit about people you are Facebook friends with.
  • Embrace either far left or far right politics, then post a dozen news stories a day related to your political opinion, complete with commentary. Bonus points for posting these to others’ walls.
  • Only use your Facebook account to update people on every second of your wedding planning and/or pregnancy.
  • Always comment on others’ status updates, and make sure the comment is about you and your feelings instead of whatever the update is actually about.
  • Take pictures where you look good and your friends look bad, then tag all of your friends.
  • Ask people for money.
  • Enter yourself in some kind of contest that requires people to click on something and vote, then post a reminder/plea about it at least seventeen times an hour.
  • Microblog your breakup. The more painful it gets, the better. Oh, and you should definitely tag your ex in the most embarrassingly morose posts.