It’s Thanksgiving and editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff should probably be talking about something holiday-related and SEO friendly (you know, like potbelly-concealing occasion dresses). Instead, they’re talking about ghosts because they give absolutely no fucks this week.
Jennifer: What are we debating?
Ashley: Ghosts. We’re debating ghosts.
Jennifer: What about ghosts?
Ashley: Well, we’re supposed to do something Thanksgiving-themed because it’s Thanksgiving week. And there’s pretty fertile terrain there–how one behaves like a recalcitrant teenager around one’s parents, how one deals with one’s significant other’s family, how you find a balance between getting wasted and keeping it together around family/friends–but, that’s just not in the cowboy spirit of The Gloss and instead we’re debating whether or not ghosts are scary. To begin: extremely.
Jennifer: NO! GHOSTS ARE FRIENDLY YOU FUCKING IDIOT. NO WONDER YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE AROUND YOUR SO’S PARENTS.
Ashley: I moved into this apartment in college and the girl who was passing it off told me the bedroom was haunted and she had to anoint the corners of the room with milk and honey. Did you know that was a thing? Why do ghosts hate milk and honey? Is it supposed to upset or appease them? What’s your favorite Thanksgiving side?
Jennifer: Stuffing. Did you know I’m a ghost?
Ashley: Stuffing is the correct answer, but ghosts wouldn’t say stuffing. They’d say MASHED BOOOTATOS.
Ashley: …I’m so sorry.
Jennifer: I think you are hanging out with the wrong ghosts, though it is true than many stand-up comedians seem to get left behind. It’s because while everyone is flying and playing harps, they are all whoopie-cushions all the time.
Ashley: I don’t understand a word of what you just said. Have you started freebasing 5 Hour Energy? You’re incoherent.
Jennifer: I’m saying that comedians have to be ghosts because they can’t make it as angels. Which ties back to ghosts being friendly. Seriously, why would ghosts be scary? They can’t do anything.
Ashley: Do you really think physical harm is the only kind of harm? I know you don’t. You’re afraid of everything.
Jennifer: I’d say I’m afraid of 2/3rds of the things, but not ghosts. What are they going to do that will negatively affect me in the long run? Rattle some pots? Go ahead, ghost buddy. Make your ghostly music. That makes them significantly less inconvenient than the NYU kids who want to yell words outside my apartment window at 4:00 in the morning.
Ashley: Ghosts can take scary forms, you know. Haven’t you seen The Shining? If two frightening twin girls in blood-strained satin dresses kept following you through your hallway, I think you’d be upset.
Jennifer: For, like, the first three minutes until I realized they couldn’t touch me or do anything.
Jennifer: You want something scary? Here. This. The frailty of our own form and grip on sanity is scary.
Ashley: Sorry, but I feel like dead children ranks pretty high on my list of terrifying things to see in a hallway, corporeal or not.
Jennifer: You know, I like most people, really. I mean, I find it hard to have conversations with children, but invariably I think that would get to a “oh, you like silk dresses, me too?” place. “Oh, you’ve got a stain on it. Maybe you should change? Oh, you can’t, because you’re an ethereal from? That’s too bad, buddy.”
Ashley: So you’re not afraid of ghosts because you’re comfortable mocking dead children?
Jennifer: I would give them a sheet or something. Ghosts love sheets. It would be a nice one. High thread count. I just don’t view it as bad. I actually view it as super cool? I’d love having a ghost. But one other people could see! I would not love going insane, so that would be my first worry.
Ashley: You’re being contrarian. I’ve seen you scream hysterically at scary YouTube videos.
Jennifer: At snakes jumping out at people.
Ashley: YouTube videos can’t hurt you, either, so they shouldn’t scary by your rubric.
Jennifer: The question is not “are you afraid of snakes?” I forget about that when watching the scary videos of snakes eating people you keep sending me. On the other hand, Beetlejuice and The Ghost and Mrs. Muir inspire only delight in me. Well, delight and tears in the case of the latter. Besides, ghosts are by their nature comforting. They give us a sense that when we die we’re not just dead.
Ashley: No, they’re trapped forever in a savage purgatory where their only grim joy exists in walking through walls. Actually. Wait. Being a ghost would be fun as shit.
Jennifer: Umm, I believe they quite often talk to a select group of people, and in the case of The Ghost and Mrs Muir dictate hilarious swashbuckling memoirs
Ashley: I think that you didn’t watch enough horror movies as a child and have a very limited understanding of ghosts. They’re not all dictation and Devon Sawa.
Jennifer: No, they are. Sometimes they also help you, when, you know, it is time to cross over. Ghosts are great. Ghosts are the nicest. I wish I had a ghost. I let it have any sheets it wanted. No, you know what, let’s go to town. I’D BUY IT SHEETS. Its own set. Just for it.
Ashley: Thanksgiving week is kind of a joke, innit?
Jennifer: In conclusion: tell your SO’s family how much you wish they were ghosts. They’ll love it!
Ashley: And eat lots of cranBOOOOOry sauce.
Jennifer: HAHAHAHAHAHAH ANY GHOSTS AROUND? WE GOT YOUR JOKES RIGHT HERE.
Ashley: Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don’t feel good after.