We would never give you advice on how to scam pot from medical marijuana clinics. Hugs not drugs, everyone! But if we wanted to, we could have called the Medical Marijuana Evaluation center (556 West Grand Avenue, Oakland, CA, 94612, 800-268-4420) and gotten information on non-life-threatening, not-necessarily-obvious ailments that would be greatly alleviated by marijuana. Because no, you cannot roll into a marijuana center and say you have cancer because that would A) make you a horrible, horrible person and B) make you a horribly stupid person when everyone there realized you did not have cancer. Better to say that you have these conditions….

Morbid Obesity: This one will only work if you are, in fact, at least obese. Fortunately, 22% of the country is! I am really unsure on how getting the munchies and scattering potato chips on a pint of ice cream is going to help with this condition, but that’s okay.

Nightmares: Nightmares are scary. You could have a glass of milk. Or a nightlight. Or you could have a bag full of medical marijuana. For bonus points, go in to the clinic and say that you have nightmares about a world where marijuana is illegal, and when you wake up and realize it’s true, it’s like being in a particularly uninspired episode of The Twilight Zone.

A Stutter: Do you find yourself stuttering uncontrollably when entering medical marijuana clinics? You do? Perhaps they can help. And by help, I mean give you marijuana, which will make you no longer give a shit about having a (fake) stutter!

Tension Headaches: According to the Tylenol website “nearly all of us have experienced the most common kind of headache – the tension headache”. They give you all kinds of tips like “stay hydrated” “wear sunglasses in bright light” and “get enough sleep at night.” There is one important tip that they are missing. I think you know what it is.

Acute Sinusitis: If you find you have sinus pain after a cold, maybe you go to the store and get Tylenol (Tylenol with their little “tips”). Or you could go to a medical marijuana clinic and get something else.

Tinnitus: How can you appreciate Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of The Moon with a low persistent ringing in your left ear? You can’t. Nor, for that matter, is it humanly possible to appreciate anything by Pink Floyd without marijuana.

Unfortunately, saying “sometimes I feel sad because I can’t get marijuana” is not yet on the list of approved conditions, but give it a few years.