Oh, you’re going to sign up for a gym membership? That’s awesome. Wow, you’re giving up dairy and wheat so you can lose 20 pounds by Thursday? Congratulations. I’m sure there’s some kind of award for tha-oh, my resolution? Um, I’m going to be healthier or whatever. Yeah. That sounds good. No, I’d totally love to go to your core-energizing marathon Bikram Pilates class with you tonight, but, um, I just agreed to this volunteer thing. I’m going to be de-worming cats at the animal shelter. No, by hand. It’s really delicate. Except you don’t have to be a vet. They called and begged me to come in. I have a gift. Do we really have to order sprouts with a side of oxygen? It’s your resolution, and I … no, of course I love sprouts. I’m just, uh, really picky about how I like my sprouts. You know, because of my health. That’s my resolution. To be healthy. Health!

Is it February yet? I don’t even like Valentine’s Day and I’m already hoping you’ll start obsessively talking about what to get your on-again boyfriend for Valentine’s Day even though he cheats on you all the time and we keep telling you to drop his sorry ass. Because I’d rather hear you deliberate about those cufflinks he’s never going to wear because he’s a degenerate who doesn’t own a suit or have a job to wear a suit to than I would about your annual goal to quit smoking. You’re not going to do it. You can’t quit Devon or Damian or whatever the fuck his name is, and you can’t quit smoking. You know what’s a good resolution? To eat more cookies. I’m great at keeping that one. Sprout cookies. I meant sprout cookies. Healthy cookies! A good resolution is to stop telling me about how you’re really going to quit smoking this year. Don’t make me an accomplice to this.

Oh, the de-worming cats thing? I, uh, had to quit. Allergies. Yeah, I know I have a cat at home, I’m… allergic to worms. Yeah. Who knew? My resolution is to go to the doctor and find out what other stuff I’m allergic to. Health! Health insurance! Maybe I should get a job that has health insurance. Because my health needs insurance. Healthy insurance. With sprouts! Seriously, though, how long til February? Is January one of those months with 30 days or 31 days? Fuck, I can’t remember. I need a calendar. Wait, that’s a good idea. My resolution is to buy a calendar. Do you think they’re on sale now? Do people make calendars anymore? Do I even have a place to put one, or, like, nails or a wall? This is hard. Where’s the waitress? I need some more of those sprouts. These resolutions are making me tense.