Every Sunday in the fall, I pull out some dip that uses cream cheese in the recipe and I sit around watching football. I don’t just watch the Colts games, though that is the team I cheer for. Once noon hits, some form of athletic competition or commentary is on in our home until we go to bed. No, I don’t sit on the couch the whole time, but I do keep an eye on every score. And while I’m watching football, I drink beer. Not even light beer, I drink real beer. Maybe Sierra Nevada’s Kellerweis or Mich Amber Bock.

Obviously, if I enjoy sports and alcohol, I must not be one of those uptight crazy bitches. I mean, I don’t act like a girl at all. I’m really just one of the guys.

Or not.

Actually no, I’m not one of the guys. Because liking sports and beer doesn’t make a person male. Getting along with men doesn’t make a person male. You want to know what makes a person one of the guys? Having a penis. That’s what does it.

I have a little bit of a problem with girls who are constantly referring to themselves as “one of the guys.” These are the types of women who talk loudly and frequently about never really getting along with girls. Probably because all those other bitches are jealous. So instead of dealing with females and all their drama, these women-in-parts-only choose to hang out with their guys.

Well you know what ladies, you sound like assholes. I’m glad you don’t want to hang out with your own sex, because it means that I get to spend less time talking to someone who makes who sweeping generalizations about their entire sex. I’m glad that I don’t have to listen to someone who tries to put down every other woman in the room to make herself seem like the cool one who’s above it all.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with having male friends. And I don’t think that women all need to sit in circles crocheting and drinking tea. Though if would get together for tea more often, that would be nice. Jen can make scones.

It really has nothing to do with the gender of the people you spend time with. Hang out with boys, girls or people who are a little in between. Whoever makes you happy.

The problem with women who continue to claim that they’re “one of the guys,” is that they’re insulting everyone else who checks the ‘F’ box. Why do these women refer to themselves as guys? Because girls are uptight or emotional or “have drama.” They’re reinforcing that whole “crazy girl” part of our culture that says every woman with feelings is emotionally unstable and mentally unsound.

And you know what? That sucks. It’s a shitty thing to do to your fellow ladies. It doesn’t make you better than all of the drama, it makes you the cause of a lot of it.

Saying you’re “one of the guys” is an obnoxious line you use in high school because it worked for the protagonist in a romantic comedy. She took off her baseball cap, threw on a dress and make-up and suddenly her crush fell in love with her. If you’re still waiting for that script to play out, I’m really sorry. It still doesn’t excuse your insult to the rest of the women in the world who have their own rom-coms running through their heads.

So unless you’re actually packing a Y chromosome, how about you stop referring to yourself as “one of the guys.”

(Photo: TQCast)