dawson leery is crying male tears

The geniuses at Vanity Fair have informed us that today is International Men’s Day— a holiday whose objectives include “promoting gender equality” by “celebrating [men’s] achievements” and “highlighting the discrimination against them.”

The website for IMD informs us that “the ability to sacrifice your needs on behalf of others is fundamental to manhood.” To coincide with VF’s brilliant piece, “Celebrating International Men’s Day: 10 Steps So Easy Even a Woman Can Follow Along,” we’d like to take a moment to teach you, our readers, a few ways that you too can “sacrifice your needs” to celebrate men.

1. In order to sympathize with the oppression that men face every day, consider spending today getting paid less for doing the same job.

2. Since the creators of International Men’s Day obviously feel left out when women always get to be the ones to complain about subjugation, make an effort today to let men in on the fun. Gather a group of girlfriends and vote on men’s issues that don’t affect you at all.

3. This holiday encourages the world to “focus on men’s health,” so take time out of your busy schedule to give every man you see a mandatory, invasive butt ultrasound. Charge him 500 bucks.

4. Since women obviously control the entertainment business and it’s always in our favor, get off your high horse, ladies, and watch an Oscar-winning movie directed by a man. Hint: It’ll have to be any movie at all besides The Hurt Locker.

5. For one day, ladies, suspend your incessant need to be cat-called, followed, and harassed by people who physically possess the power to murder you with their hands. Show men what they’ve been missing out on! Make obscene gestures to every guy who walks by, rate his body on a scale from one to ten, and ask him considerate questions like “Where’d your ass go, baby?”

6. If you’re a woman in a managerial position, sacrifice your need to be surrounded by competent (male) workers. Take some time today to refuse to hire any men in their late twenties, on the basis that “they might get somebody pregnant and have to take time off work.”

7. In order to promote gender equality, devote an hour today to studying up on one of the male US Presidents.

For one day only, stop hoarding all the privileges in the world, women! Men have been historically degraded, ignored, and victimized, and it’s time to give them their due. Happy International Men’s Day!

Via Vanity Fair / Photo: Sony Pictures