Oh, Joan Collins. You are so wonderful in so many ways. You made so many gay men so, so happy with your amazing shoulder padded ensembles on Dynasty. You’ve provided a model of aging gracefully that more actresses should follow. When you criticize today’s young ingenues, you manage to come off like a fabulously bitchy aunt whose drunken outbursts only make us love her more. But then you begin talking about “those people,” it makes everyone kind of uncomfortable.
A recent interview with The Telegraph displays all of these behaviors. Here are some amusing quotes from it:
On Keira Knightley: “Well, she’s thin.”
On Carey Mulligan: “I can’t believe she’s playing Eliza Doolittle in a new movie.”
On a photo of Kate Winslet at the Venice Film Festival: “Oh, that’s a dreadful dress. The worst dress. And ghastly shoes and an awful hairstyle. I’m sorry.” (I’m going to go ahead and guess it was this one.)
On Adele: “She’s a very good singer, very, very talented, but she has a terrible hairpiece.” (Is Adele even wearing a hairpiece? Who cares!)
On Kate Moss: “OK, but she’s not Linda Evangelista in my mind.”
God bless you, you crazy old bat! But wait, she’s not done yet.
On immigrants: “The reason we don’t have any housing is that we have 400,000 extra people coming in here every year and doing jobs that our young people could do.”
On diversity: “In Birmingham last Christmas, I said to my driver, ‘Why are there no decorations?’ I had just come back from New York where every street is festooned with decorations. And he said, ‘Well, we have a lot of people here whom it offends on religious grounds.’ But I’m not saying any more than that. I don’t want petrol bombs being thrown through my window.
On the London riots: “These kids are so ignorant and stupid. I don’t think they have much of a moral compass now because they spend their life doing – what are those games they do? The ones where they kill and they shoot? And they watch a lot of violent stuff on television.” She sighs. “And, of course, porn is readily available.”
Yes, Joan Collins. The riots happened because poor people are ignorant and stupid and play too many video games and jerk off to porn. They had nothing to do with the underlying sense of powerlessness and nihilism that comes from being destitute and jobless in a country with the worst social mobility in the developed world. All those kids need is a trip to church and some better hairpieces.
Please stick to saying bitchy things about other actresses, Joan Collins. I want to love you.