Kendra Wilkinson’s new book Sliding into Home is out. It details many important topics, like drug use at the mansion and sex with Hugh Hefner, at the mansion. But the most important thing may be the advice on how to be Hef’s new girlfriend (you can totally oust the twins). Based on the following excerpt, here are some things we’ve learned.

1)You should look good in only body paint.

2) Hef wants you to go college.

3) Just tell him he’s fucking with you when he calls you. It’s hot:

“So you’ll be naked?”

“Well, I’ll be painted,” I corrected Zack my live-in-boyfriend.

“What does that mean?”

“I’m not sure, but I’m sure it will be fine.”

I wasn’t sure spending an evening at Hugh Hefner’s 78th birthday would actually be fine, but I was hoping it would turn out to be. At the very least I would make a couple hundred dollars, meet some cool people, and get a chance to check out the Playboy mansion. How could I turn that down? …. He mentioned that he was looking for girl’s to work at Hugh Hefner’s upcoming birthday party. I figured Playboy had a lot of models to choose from for the party and it was a long shot. But a couple of days later, Mark called back.

“Mr. Hefner saw you and wants you personally,” he told me, “I gave him your number, so expect a call.”

I was stunned. “What are you talking about? Expect a call? Why?” I was weirded out by the whole thing. Why would he want to call me?

“Listen,” Mark said. “He only likes girls in college, so tell him you go to college.”

I said okay and hung up, confused.

The next day I was in the shower when the phone rang…

“Hello?” I answered

“Hello, is this Kendra?”

“Who is this?”

“This is Hugh Hefner.”

“Yeah, right,” I said, thinking it was a prank call. “Shut the fuck up.”

It wasn’t a prank.

“I look forward to seeing you at my birthday. Also, I’d like you to consider being my girlfriend.”

Still dripping wet from the shower, I stood there in shock. I didn’t know how to respond. After all, I had just told Hugh Hefner to shut the fuck up. That probably wasn’t the reaction he expected. I brushed off the girlfriend thing, since I had no idea what that even meant.