I’m really ashamed of watching this show, or pretending we can learn anything from it, but last night’s episode was so much the essence of Gossip Girl that I keep snorting vodka as I think about, so let’s just review, shall we?  It was a sort of public service announcement about STDs for labradoodle idiots. Namely, Gossip Girl sent out a blast saying that Serena had an STD and that she offered to have sex with a professor because she was late to his creative writing class. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. James Franco did that shit all the time.

Oh, and after Serena’s exhausting day was over – the day when she was accused of hooking for a late slip – she got all dressed up, and went to the King Cole Bar at the St. Regis Hotel, to drink, alone, at midnight. And for a second I thought “Oh, Jesus, Serena has just given up! She’s a prostitute now! For real! Finally, this show is starting to make sense!” But instead she was approached by some guy in a pinstripe suit who she actually knew, as opposed to some guy a in a pinstripe suit asking about the cost of a blowjob which, by the way, is what will happen in real life if you wander alone into the King Cole Bar wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt that says “I love my Yorkshire terrier” (don’t ask) let alone your trashiest cocktail dress.

But, umm, I learned a lot when I wasn’t laughing so hard I couldn’t hear the words.

Basically, I learned that no one is ever wearing a condom on Gossip Girl.

Which, no, I guess I have not seen the characters express a preference for Trojans the way they have for Bing or Vitamin Water, but seriously? No one was wearing a condom? Ever? Even in this episode no one is like “wait, why were you sleeping with Serena without a condom? You were putting your penis into a bag full of diseases.” Why do condoms not exist in the world of Gossip Girl, the only world that matters?

The best moment seemed to come with responsible Dan and Vanessa when they talked about how they both got tested before they got together, which, okay, good for them – but what about just using a condom? What about condoms? At least when I was in college (Miss Deaver’s Secretarial School – go typewriters!)  you mostly just used a condom at first, unless someone was horribly allergic to latex or you were insane. And then, later, if you wanted to get into a committed relationship you got tested. You didn’t just bareback it like some sort of reckless psychopath.

Because, in the immortal words of that great sage Janice Dickinson “I don’t have all the answers, but two things I know for sure: if you go out and let someone fuck you without a condom, eventually, you’re going to get a disease. And if you swim in the sea with your period, you’re going to get eaten by sharks. Use a fucking condom. Use a condom fucking.”

Maybe the characters in Gossip Girl should have spent less time reading Asian philosopher books and more time reading Check, Please.

In conclusion, last night on Gossip Girl, we learned that STDs exist. We did not learn that if you use a goddamn condom, you have much, much, much, much, much less risk of getting them.

I really hope that Serena will be bringing this up in the upcoming episodes as she enters her new, exciting career as a high class prostitute.