Modern Crime: Spending the majority of your waking moments — which are precious few and grow fewer by the day; you only have so many days allotted to you, mortal woman — talking about cancelled television shows. Not even obscure or forgotten cancelled television shows; the same cancelled television shows everyone else talks about.
Modern Punishment: Spend a year wandering the mountains of the Western United States, tending to wild orchards and nursing small animals with broken legs back to health.

Modern Crime: Subtweeting, writing clearly targeted but anonymous status updates.
Modern Punishment: Making something, anything, with your hands, then putting it out to sea and letting it go.

Modern Crime: Writing “sorrynotsorry/sorry not sorry/#sorry#notsorry” or any other permutation thereof.
Modern Punishment: Making a sincere apology while maintaining eye contact with someone you have wronged, whether or not they forgive you.

Modern Crime: Saying the word “hashtag” out loud as if you are creating a tweet with your mouth and some invisible Twitter algorithm is recording everything you say.
Modern Punishment: Death.

Modern Crime: Not finding Benedict Cumberbatch particularly attractive. You don’t dislike him. You don’t find him unattractive, certainly, he just doesn’t do anything for you.
Modern Punishment: Lifetime Tumblr ban.

Modern Crime: Becoming visibly upset over spoilers, as if time itself must be stopped while you get around to catching up on TV shows, as if the elderly were not spoiler alerts for your own life as you are mortal and doomed to die one day.
Modern Punishment: Building a log cabin using only a single ax and a printout of the eHow page on “How to build a log cabin.”

Modern Crime: Using someone else’s Netflix password.
Modern Punishment: Exiled from content beyond the Paywall.

Modern Crime: Pretending to have seen ‘The Wire’ in conversation because you don’t want to hear “Oh my God, you have to see it” ever again.
Modern Punishment: Probation; compassion. You’ll get around to it, eventually.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]