Time after time, when people are surveyed on the words they despise most, they respond with the word “panties.” (And “moist,” but let’s not even get started on that right now.) Many of the women I know instantly get turned off when they hear this word coming out of a prospective partner’s mouth, as it signifies something…distasteful. Unpleasant. Perhaps a little eerie. This got us thinking–what do the other names for underwear say about our personalities?
You’re a straightforward person who doesn’t beat around the bush. When people ask you if they look good in an outfit, you tell them the truth but are never a jerk about it. (Well, sometimes you sound like a jerk about it, but it’s never intentional.) Your favorite lipstick is a long-wearing shade of the perfect red that you’ve been using for years. When people post too many selfies to Instagram, you can’t help but look down on them. You would make a terrible real estate agent in New York, as you’re the type who would never call Bushwick “East Williamsburg.”
You prefer the term “underarm” over “armpit,” as you find the latter to be crass. You wanted to try a crop top back in 2012, but waited until 2014 when everybody else finally had them. You’re proficient in two or more languages, occasionally surprising your friends with your impeccable accent by whipping it out while giving directions to a tourist. Even though you love champagne, you almost always regret drinking seven glasses of it the next day. On at least one occasion, you have eaten an entire pizza while watching Netflix. When you were in middle school, you made sure all your friends felt included on your AIM profile.
Panties, Pt. 1
You might be a sociopath. You are the tinted window van of human beings. When people ask you what your favorite movie is, you invariably answer American Psycho and then give a wink while humming “Hip To Be Square.” In the morning, you put on a sock, then a shoe, then the other sock, then the other shoe. None of your friends have ever been to your apartment, yet you keep it immaculate.
Panties, Pt. 2
Every time Victoria’s Secret’s “5 for $26” sale turns into a “7 for $26” sale, you lose your shit. You call your friends “babe,” even when they have hinted at resenting the pet name several times. When describing yourself, you say you’re a “Carrie crossed with a Samantha, but a Charlotte in relationships!” Speaking of exclamation points, you use a lot of them in texts and get upset when others don’t. You have an entirely separate app dedicated to editing selfies for Instagram. When you first meet somebody, it only takes about 20 minutes for you to start pitching them your semi-autobiographical fiction with a pun in the title.
Your sense of humor is slightly abrasive, but most of your friends and OKCupid dates find that charming. When you’re on public transportation, you always give up your seat to the elderly, pregnant, or those who have disabilities, but never make a big deal out of it. You can say dirty things in at least five languages. You don’t fully understand vegetarianism.
When you were a child, you were excellent at bubble letters and occasionally pondered a career in calligraphy. You’re the type of roommate who writes Post-It notes with smiley faces, even when the message is incredibly passive-aggressive. At fast food restaurants, you are the only one who orders a salad. Your definition of “letting loose” is drinking two and a half glasses of pinot gris at a bar downtown, and your favorite Instagram filter is Hudson. You probably studied abroad in France, maybe Italy. Dirty talk makes you uncomfortable.
You don’t see being naked as an inherently sexual thing. Rather, you are much more inclined to see it as something one does around the house whilst blasting 80s rock and wearing sunglasses. Did I mention you might be Tom Cruise?
You yearn for days past, mostly because you are addicted to Downton Abbey. Netflix has an entire section of recommendations for you titled, “Late 1800s British Period Dramas Starring Kate Winslet.” You keep trying to master fingerwaves, but always give up after the upteenth step in the Pinterest tutorial.
You often pronounce the above term as “undapaaants.” When texting, you sometimes write entire stories using emojis. As a child, you most related to Little Pete on the eponymous Pete & Pete, then eventually felt the same about Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World. You regularly Snapchat your friends photos of anything that vaguely resembles a penis. IPAs are the only type of beer you’re into…at least in public. You have fiercely loyal friends which is great because you keep needing them to post your bail. You have no idea what Etsy is.