calvin and hobbes

New Years happened. It was stupid. Like it is, every year. Here at The Gloss, we are professional drinkers and so regard New Years as an acceptable excuse to get drunk at best (but really, to stay in and order takeout). Here, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff discuss their ambivalence about the practice of resolutions, what awful children they were and Michael Crichton.

Jennifer:  I don’t like it when people resolve to work out more, because they take up the space in the gym. And I don’t like it when they resolve to eat healthy, either, because why does Whole Foods have no blueberries? Because they ate all the blueberries. And the pancetta, I guess.

Ashley:  You know, I was going to respond to your first point but then you went off the rails. And Whole Foods isn’t out of blueberries.

Jennifer:  It could be. It probably will be, soon, if these resolvers keep going the way they’re going

Ashley:  Well, I don’t see Whole Foods running out of blueberries anytime soon, but… I do relate to spending a lot of time at the gym every January waiting for a machine.

Jennifer:  And also the pancetta?

Ashley:  You do know what pancetta is, right?

Everything looks gross when you cube it and put it in a pile.

Everything looks gross when you cube it and put it in a pile.

Jennifer:  Not quite, but it sounds like something people would really latch onto. A bread product made of grains, upon which to place salmon? Feels right.

Ashley:  Don’t make me Google this for you.

[Time passes]

Jennifer:  Oh, that’s totally different. I guess it’s a meat log?

Ashley:  Not just any meat. It’s a pork fat log.

Jennifer:  Okay, that was a good learning experience. Which New Years resolutions do you hate? I want to pick the best one. For me. To do. Learn about meat logs would be a good start, probably.

Ashley:  All of them and none of them. Look, the problem with New Years resolutions is 1) making them is annoying and 2) complaining about people who make them is just as annoying. Like, I want to throw up equally at the, “Going to drop 15 lbs in 2013!” people and the “You shouldn’t need an arbitrary date to live well” people.

Jennifer:  That’s not a healthy way to lose 15 pounds, Ashley.

Ashley:  Goddamnit, Jen.

Yup. Still exists.

Yup. Still exists.

Jennifer:  Yes, I think New Year’s resolutions should be a lot more specific. Like “I vow to, just once, try eating play-doh again and see if it holds up.”

Ashley:  That’s actually a great New Years resolution, though. “I plan to put salt on snails and see if it gives me the same illicit thrill.”

Jennifer:  I used to try to keep centipedes in a jar, with the goal of eventually turning them into some kind of circus performers. And also, making them capable of love.

Ashley:  Can New Years be an excuse to relive all the weird, potentially awful things we did as children? Because that’s fine with me. 2013 is going to be a lot of golden years Simpsons and not talking to people. Also, a lot of the stuff we did as children would make us monstrous, were we to do it now.

Jennifer:  I wore the same princess dress every day for months.

Ashley:  That explains a lot.

Jennifer:  And went through a weird period where I pretty much only ate steak.

Ashley:  Like in Rosemary’s Baby?


"Legitimate rape?"

“Legitimate rape?”

Jennifer: Imagine it. A little girl in a princess dress just gnawing on a steak. You would have loved me.

Ashley:  I wore a dinosaur costume on non-Halloween days and swore like a sailor!

Jennifer:  Really!???? You were always my soulmate.

Ashley:  It’s true, but we’re getting off track. NYE resolutions are dumb, but complaining about them is dumb too. What’s a ladyblog to do?

Jennifer:  Well, okay, maybe we should aim bigger. Like, I think we should offer a reward to the commenter whose resolution is to build a time machine and who accomplishes it successfully. But there has to be proof. And you can’t just bring back a dumb flower from the future like they do in The Time Machine. You have to bring back a morlock.


Cooler than flowers.

Ashley:  No way am I encouraging that! Michael Crichton’s Timeline makes time travel seem terrifying. Also, it can change you, Jen. It changes you.

Jennifer:  That’s the one where they rape the pregnant lady, right?

Ashley:  They go back to the 14th century and one of the scientists goes crazy, maybe? And then starts to make an evil life for himself in the evil medieval times? And then Tim Curry gets mauled by a gorilla. But mostly because of his greed.

Jennifer:  It’s all very strange. I suppose we could go the opposite direction and say, I vow to drink more. Which seems like the right idea.

The gorilla was outraged to discover Tim Curry hadn't any more Samoas.

The gorilla was outraged to discover Tim Curry hadn’t any more Samoas.

Ashley:  But do we really need 2013 as an excuse to drink as much as we want? That seems silly.

Jennifer:  Or have “more fun?” I read this book called The Happiness Project and half of it was about telling yourself it’s okay not to want to wear fancy dresses and drink cosmopolitans at hot new restaurants. And I found myself thinking “that’s really all I enjoy, but this woman seems pretty happy making googly eyes with tangerines at her toddlers.” A kidnapped Morlock would be a lot like a toddler.

Ashley:  “Find your bliss,” Jen. Tangentially, the whole machine of self-help (specifically of the happiness variety) is horrible.

Jennifer:  You want to live in darkness? Aren’t we supposed to struggle towards the light? Or is the light at the end of the tunnel merely a train approaching? I’ve wanted to make that quip since about 9th grade, so thanks.

Ashley:  Congratulations, you may finally begin your new position at Shouts & Murmurs.

Jennifer:  I love Shouts & Murmurs. Simon Rich is a genius. Maybe that’s a good resolution. Be more willing to speak up for your imaginary friends.

Ashley:  That’s constructive and realistic.

Jennifer:  Yes! And your real friends, too! Don’t surround yourself with people you think are terrible! Only surround yourself with people you think are great!

"Steamed vegetables and grilled chicken. Steamed vegetables and grilled chicken."

“Steamed vegetables and grilled chicken. Steamed vegetables and grilled chicken.”

Ashley:  Eh. My imaginary friend is the gorilla that killed Tim Curry. He doesn’t have much personality besides killing Tim Curry and loving diamonds, so it’s pretty easy to keep this one up.

Jennifer:  OH MY GOD SIMON RICH IS OUR AGE DO YOU THINK HE’D BE MY FRIEND? He was born in 1984. I’m torn between hating my life and everything in it and feeling hopeful about our imminent friendship. Read this. I bet he could tell really amusing tales to my coeterie of kidnapped future people over pancetta. So, okay, my resolution which I will take no steps towards is to become Simon Rich’s friend.

Ashley:  I guess my resolution will be to stop being so ambivalent about everything? …No, it’s not. I couldn’t even commit to not putting a question mark at the end of that. So I guess it’ll just be me revisiting lesser Michael Crichton works and wearing a dinosaur costume.

Jennifer:  Maybe you could wear a dinosaur costume around the house? Another part of The Happiness Project book was that the things you enjoyed as a child are the same things you enjoy as an adult. They meant like “scrapbooking”

Ashley:  Not megalomania?

Jennifer:  In our cases, I guess it’s steak and elaborate outfits.

Ashley:  And megolomania.

Jennifer:  We really found the right job for us.

Ashley:  Yeah, want to get a drink?

Jennifer:  It’s 11:20. We’re behind schedule on that.