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OkCupid is a scary, scary place. Back when I was on it sincerely, it gave me so many different kinds of anxiety that I decided I’d rather die alone than get one more creepy message from a cybersex enthusiast (which made me feel gross), or condescending message from a pick-up artist (which made me feel angry), or nice message from someone I did not find visually appealing (which made me feel shallow), or insane message from someone I found hot (which made me feel like all hot guys were insane).

However, more recently I wondered if Ok Cupid might have another use, namely, to test out the theory that most of the men on there will try to hit on every seemingly young and supple woman, even if there is clearly something wrong with her. This was inspired in part by my friend Jess’s intentionally shitty profile, in which she is sleeping in most of the pictures and eating in two. So I made a profile of my own, and Amanda made one too, and then we sat back and waited. To see if women would behave any differently, I asked my manfriend Sean to make one, too.

1. Jess

Jess didn’t make her profile for this experiment, but it fits, so here it is:

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jess13My favorite part of her profile:

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This has resulted in a surprising (or unsurprising?) number of pick-up attempts! Here are some of the best:

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This man cares not for OkCupid’s match percentage.

This one doesn’t care what she looks like, but would like to meet.

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okc3aThis guy is totally into narcoleptics.

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This guy ^^ seems kind of funny.

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As does this one.

Miraculously, Jess did meet someone who seemed okay once, a comedian. But immediately after she agreed to meet up and gave him her number, he sent her a dick pic, so she shut it down. Frownie points. :(

Conclusion: Men do not care if you are battling narcolepsy and/or tapeworms so long as you are attractive.

Onwards!

2. Me

To test out the conventional wisdom that men don’t like crazy cat ladies, I made my Ok Cupid character a girl who is obsessed with cats:

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I made my cat lady a little bit horny, because she doesn’t get out much.

I got a few messages from lonely cat men that made me feel bad because kitty-meow-meow is not a real person they can date. However, I got quite a few more men trying to seduce me in ridiculous, cat-related ways:

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And even a few attempts at “negging” from would be pick-up artists:

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I also enjoyed this exchange:

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My favorite was this one, though:

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WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS TO A STRANGER? I will never look at cat petting the same way again.

I replied to a few of my cyber sex requests by asking if my cat could be involved, but none of them replied. :(

Conclusion: Cat ladies are more appealing than you might think, but even the horniest of internet men have their limits.

3. Amanda

Amanda’s profile focuses on how much she loves makeup. All her pictures feature her smeared in lipstick as if she doesn’t know where her own mouth is:
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She’s only gotten one message so far, but she only made it a few days ago.

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4. Sean

The sole male in the experiment, Sean’s profile functioned as a control of sorts. He made his character an Italian style fascist, and peppered his answers with Mussolini quotes:

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As it turns out, not every woman adores a fascist. In fact, hardly any do, because he got zero messages. Good job, women of Brooklyn. Way to keep fascism at bay. (I asked him to try hitting on some women, but he’s a better person than me so he wouldn’t. )

So what have we learned from this little experiment? Narcolepsy is hot, cat ladies are in, and Ok Cupid is a lot more fun when you use it for purposes other than what it was designed for. Tune in next time, when I see if men will go for my increasingly fucked up cyber sex requests.