You know those days when the cursed bleeding starts? And you’re trying to make it to the hut where they isolate the women infested with evil spirits? And you’re running, running through the village towards the red tent, but the other villagers, they’ve already detected your scent! And they know you are unclean, and have begun to turn on you, menacing glints in their eyes, muttering “unclean woman, unclean woman.”

Yeah, those days are the worst! You should have worn period panties. They’re padded to help prevent stains during the heavy days of your period. Those days when, I guess, you are hemorrhaging so much blood that nothing else can help. And they were featured on The Tyra Show. Good God, of course they were featured on The Tyra Show.

Or, alternatively, if you do not live in a 19th century tribal village, you could use a tampon or a pad (or, on some days, maybe both). Hopefully that will effectively subdue the communists in the funhouse.