Everyone knows that Pippa Middleton is the most highly desirable lady in all of England, and she is apparently not short on options when it comes to who will be her next partner. She was recently seen at the ATP World Tour tennis finals with the two gentlemen above, both men that British newspaper Metro claims are just friends. Let’s see if we can’t figure out everything about them based solely on their appearances, shall we?

The one to the left is clearly waffling back and forth between thinking absolutely nothing at all, and wondering if maybe he should try to come up with a clever comment or a wry observation in order to win back the attention of the Duchess’ sister. Racking his slow-moving brain, he comes up short, berates himself for being such a buffoon (just like his boarding school teachers always told him), and then immediately forgets everything as he turns his attention back to the game, letting his mind, once again, go completely blank.

The one on the right appears modest and charming — but all that changes once he’s faced with a woman who isn’t behaving herself, at which point we see the misogynist hidden deep beneath his three shirts ooze forth with a ferocity that quickly manifests as a sneer, then a snide comment about wanton whores, then a reminder to anybody listening that his great grandfather was a Duke. He actually would never be seen with Pippa, what with the toilet paper dress incident and all, if not for her sister, the future queen.