On January 31st, people go resolution crazy. The other 365 days of the year they might be content with where they are in life, but come New Years we have the message we’re not quite good enough coming at us from all directions.

From Thanksgiving Day though Christmas, all the ads on TV are festive. There’s children caroling, Santa getting really great cell reception, strings of lights making everything glow. Commercials no December the 26th seem to have a theme as well-you’re fat.

Skinny people in tight jeans and fitted shirts stand next to their before sad-faced before pictures with enormous grins, insisting if they can loose the weight, you can too. And if you don’t start your weight loss endeavor on January 1st, the whole plan will be ruined, and you’re bound to spend the whole summer in a beach cover up, knowing down deep you’re a before.

Maybe you’re happy with your current weight. That’s fine. How’s your apartment looking? Are all your jeans organized by wash and size in clear under the bed boxes? No, they’re organized by day worn in a line from your bed to your closet on your rug? Then you’re a slob. A slob who needs to run down to Target, right now, and spend that gift card you were going to use to get a new hair iron on giant Tupperware bins.

If the ads don’t get you in the betterment cyclone that is New Years resolutions, your friends will. If this phenomena was constrained to only the few close friends you’ll see between Christmas and January 1st, it might not be so bad. But one quick glance at your Facebook feed and you’ll see your best friend from second grade is signing up for a marathon and twenty-six people like the fact your ex-boyfriend is going to volunteer to help teach kids how to read.

I’ll be dreading the New Years resolutions, but what will you be dreading about New Years?
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