Sheryl CrowSheryl Crow nonchalantly mentioned that she has a brain tumor during an interview with the Las Vegas-Review Journal. She just dropped that little bit of information in. Like a side note.

Crow said that she was a little concerned about recent memory loss and discovered she had a small brain tumor. Don’t worry though folks, it was benign. No big whoop.

Call me dramatic if you must, but can I just say that if I had a growth pressing on my brain and affecting my life in a noticeable way, like enough that I went to have an MRI, I would be freaking hysterical. Benign, what the hell is benign? I would say to myself.

This would not be some throwaway remark to a local journalist. This would be Barbara Walters-interview epic. Let me just look at the many ways that this would manifest itself into the hugest thing that ever happened to anyone.

I would own all those violent mood swings you suppress to convince people you’re normal. Brain tumors mess with people’s moods. We all saw that episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Or was it House? I would never censor another comment in my life.

Lines at Starbucks? At amusement parks? Lines in general? I have no time for lines. My life is fleeting people. There’s a tumor pressing on some vital nerve as we speak. Pshh… you clueless robots and your lines. I’ll have none of this nonsense.

No more quick, meaningless chit-chat. Oh no. Every conversation I had would need to mean something. Don’t comment on the weather, let’s start a philosophical debate about the meaning of life and where I’ll go when I die. We need to cherish these moments of connectedness between two people, because we never know when we’ll have them again. I don’t have time for lines or normal conversation.

No one can possibly understand. If I had a brain tumor, I would become a 15-year-old version of myself all over again. No one can understand what I’m going through. Don’t try to tell me that you can relate. I could be gone at any second. Sure everyone could be gone, but it’s not the same. You just don’t get it. No one gets it.

I would get married to myself. I’m just saying, I might not have another birthday. I’ll need an excuse to celebrate the amazingness that is Me.