“You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends.”

Charlie Sheen’s meltdown has pretty much saturated your brain at this point so now you’re all dumb and anxious (I’m guessing this because you’re on the internet) but let’s talk about the thing that really matters most here: his goddesses. You know that old adage about how behind every winning man are two hollow-eyed young women grinding their teeth? It’s like that, only with a metric fuckton of blow. And weird pec muscles. And organic love.

If you don’t know about these women (who love Charlie for his brain), you should watch this video. And then, if you decide you want to be one of them and complete the 3-part wedge of his heart, you should follow this guide. I’m sure Charlie would add another part to his 3-part wedge heart if you’re in your early twenties and don’t have any self-esteem.

“It’s a polygamy story…All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”