This week, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff were discussing the time-honored argument of Batman versus Superman, and how that is an extremely stupid argument because Batman is the obvious right answer. They determined that the only logical rival is the X-Men and then assigned sides. They argued for a bit and then wrote Magneto x Xavier slash fanfic. It gets pretty sexy.
Ashley: So. Batman versus X-Men. I guess I should begin by saying Batman is outnumbered.
Jennifer: Outnumbered how?
Ashley: Manpower. Also, just power in general. The elephant in the room with Batman, much as I love him (and Arkham Asylum is one of my favorites) is that he’s just a rich guy who’s good at martial arts.
Jennifer: Fine. I mean, I’m inclined to belive that much of the appeal of Batman’s is that his alter ego is a playboy millionaire as opposed to, say, a newspaper photographer who is very bad at his job (because he only takes pictures of himself, so he’s essentially a style blogger). (I’m talking about Spiderman). That said, the only person who can compete from the “cool milionaire with justice fighting tendancies” is Professor Xavier. That is why we are debating them rather than engaging in the historically stupid Batman/Superman debate. That said, Professor Xavier can’t even walk, fuck you, Batman is cooler.
Ashley: Okay. Wait a minute. If we’re to arbitrarily choose a figurehead for the X-Men (much like we’ve arbitrarily chosen sides in this very debate), we’re obviously going to go with Wolverine.
Jennifer: ARE YOU INSANE?
Ashley: And Batman can’t kill Wolverine. The only way to “kill” Wolverine is to push him into the ocean. Wolverine can’t swim because his adamantium skeleton is too heavy and he’ll sink. Then he’ll just be there at the bottom of the ocean, in stasis, forever dying and regenerating and living again and drowning and dying and regenerating. So, I guess… Batman… could… do that.
Jennifer: I THINK YOU…. CAN’T COMPARE WOLVERINE TO PROFESSOR XAVIER. SERIOUSLY. ARE YOU A CRAZY PERSON? I will not engage in a debate with someone who is mentally unhinged.
Ashley: Jen. You can’t just say Professor Xavier is the X-Men. He’s not very compelling. He’s well meaning but boring.
Jennifer: I love Professor Xavier. I didn’t even mean it when I was like “well, Batman could walk all over him.” That was just a low blow.
Ashley: That was pretty tasteless. You made fun of a disabled person.
Jennifer: So, you argue Batman, I’ll argue for Professor Xavier?
Ashley: Okay. Batman is clearly superior. His has depth.
Jennifer: Justify that statement.
Ashley: Well, he’s tortured. And scrappy. And charismatic.
Jennifer: Scrappy? Really? A billionaire brat who went off to Asia or something because he wanted to see how the other half lived? That seems – I mean, he’s Sullivan out of Sullivan’s Travels, essentially. Just being stupidly entitled, not understanding the way REAL people suffer, just running towards it with both arms open because of his sheltered pampered life. Oh, his parents died? Professor Xavier’s dad died. And his mom became an alcoholic. Also, his girlfriend married someone who beat her.
Ashley: And he’s in a wheelchair.
Jennifer: Yes. But I guess there were some nights where Alfred didn’t have the scones ready quickly enough, so, they’re even.
Jennifer: Okay, here’s how you win this argument. You can say Professor X has a natural advantage because he could read minds while Batman had to hone his all too human skills, thus making him more impressive.
Ashley: But Batman is fundamentally alone. And will die that way. There will always be someone to adore Xavier because he’s so compassionate and decent, there will always be someone to change his catheter, to polish his bald head… you know, love.
Jennifer: What? Batman has a girlfriend. Professor Xavier’s best friend is a supervillain. It would be like… our relationship. I was going to say if you became hellbent on some weird fascist plan, but then, you know…
Ashley: Oh my god… do we hate the opposing argument much in the way we secretly hate each other?
Jennifer: No. No. Professor Xavier and Magneto loved each other.
Ashley: Can you justify that statement?
Jennifer: Magneto was just… did you even read comic books as a child? I’m typing in “Professor Xavier Magneto slash.”
Ashley: Magneto strode confidently across the conference room, knowing that Xavir’s eyes lingered enviously over every footfall. That stoic faraway gaze sent a thrill through his spine.
Jennifer: “Erik,” Xavier mumured, his hand twitching on the steely side of his wheelchair “you came back.”
Ashley: Magneto sat down on the cold metal table, staying–as he always did at first–tantalizingly out of reach. “I never left,” he said quietly, “I never could.”
Jennifer: “And I never wanted you too,” whispered Charles, so quietly Magneto could barely hear him.
Ashley: Magneto leaned closer but never close enough… he liked for Xavier to feel just the suggestion of his breath. “This is wrong,” he murmured. “It’s all so… wrong.” And he sighed, his level gaze on Xavier’s strikingly soft, feminine hands. The hands of someone who’s never had to work, he thought, never had to lift anything in his life. Telekinetic hands, he thought, and a throb of excitement rippled between his legs.
Jennifer: Ashley, he’s crippled. He has to lift his entire body weight all the time. I respect where you’re going with this but that was factually inaccurate. AND NOW THE SPELL IS BROKEN.
Ashley: Wait. He’s telepathic anyway–OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU DO THAT? THE DICKS HAVEN’T EVEN COME OUT YET. THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU I HATE YOU LIKE MAGNETO WANTS XAVIER.
Jennifer: I believe it is Xavier who wants Magneto. He wants the chaos in his soul.
Ashley: See? That would have been great for our exquisite corpse slash fan fiction.
Jennifer: He wants to color his life with the colors of trouble.
Ashley: I’m pissed at you. That was gonna be great.
Jennifer: Fine. “Then Xavier took out his big hard dong and waved it around as he sat in his little wheelchair. The juxtaposition of the two – power and powerlessness – was startling.” Okay?
Ashley: Shark has been jumped. You win. Happy?
Jennifer: Like Xavier is happy with his dong blowing in the breeze.
Ashley: I said you win.