In honor of Father’s Day, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff struggle to debate gay dads, despite the fact that they’re both pro-gay dads. Luckily, it manages to devolve into stereotyping and namecalling. And unicorn-riding.
Jennifer: So. This is topical. How absurdly fantastic are gay dads? Great or super great?
Ashley: Man, the greatest.
Jennifer: Look, for the sake of argument I will say merely… great.
Ashley: They are obviously super great. Because dads are great so having two dads would be super great. They’d take you to twice the baseball games, twice the museums, twice the zoos. They’d make twice the salt water taffy with you, pulling it on the kitchen floor, tossing their heads back and laughing insouciantly. Bonding!
Jennifer: They would be so well dressed as they did that.
Ashley: Uh. Potentialy?
Jennifer: I think the argument here is you’re arguing that having gay dads would be like having two regular parents (you’re correct) whereas I somehow pigeonholed myself into arguing that it would be like having two parents/stylists because I believe in stereotypes? That about right?
Ashley: Yeah! Hate-monger!
Jennifer: I believe you mean beauty-monger! Positive stereotype mongering all up in here!
Ashley: Okay, reinforcing positive stereotypes isn’t as destructive as barbaric ones, but they’re still stereotypes. The only thing weird about having gay parents would be dealing with people who are bothered by it. Since I am not one of those people and I think dads are the best, I am certain having two dads would be an embarrassment of riches.
Jennifer: Sassy gay riches! (Why did you force me into this horrible position?) Snap, snap! Snaps for sassy gay riches!
Ashley: Oh god, stop doing that. Having gay dad parents doesn’t mean you’ll be raised by a two-headed Steven Cojucaru who breathes saucy one-liners instead of fire.
Jennifer: What a terribly odd image. I mean, sure it does! Yes, saucy one liners! Spew them, both gay dads at once, like some sort of hilarious operetta! Having two gay dads would be like living inside Gilbert and Sullivan’s heads every day! OMG!
Ashley: I know that for the sake of this debate you’ve been backed into a corner and forced to assume that having gay dads will be like jubilant everyday musical where babies belch glitter and float on unicorn clouds but that is ridiculous.
Jennifer: Yes. Because unicorns don’t make clouds. You ride unicorns. It’s ridiculous because you’re dumb and don’t know how the world works, you idealistic simpleton.
Ashley: How does the world work?
Jennifer: YOU RIDE UNICORNS.
Ashley: No, you can’t ride a unicorn. You don’t know anything about unicorn mythology. The most you can do is tame a unicorn, but you have to be a virgin and then it just puts its head on your lap and looks forlorn in a wooded glade. …And I have it on good authority that you’re not a virgin.
Jennifer: My gay dad would get me a unicorn. My gay dad would know how to bend the rules to make things happen.
Ashley: Your gay dad is a parody of gay culture. My gay dads like going to the movies and reading the newspaper like regular dads. x2
Jennifer: THERE’S NO WRONG WAY TO BE GAY.
Ashley: If that isn’t a Lady Gaga chorus yet, it ought to be. Anyway. Not all gay dads like Lady Gaga or champagne cocktails or want to watch the Oscars and provide biting sartorial commentary.
Jennifer: Oh. I’m SORRY my imaginary gay dad is Lady Gaga’s fashion designer muse. (My gay dad is Alexander McQueen.) (My other gay dad is Andre Leon Talley.)
Ashley: Some gay dads just like reading playing sports and watching television. SOMETIMES EVEN NON-BRAVO SHOWS.
Jennifer: It gets better? You bet your shit it gets better when you are running through unicorn pastures with Andre Leon Talley and Alexander McQueen.
Ashley: I mean… that obviously sounds like a lot of fun.
Jennifer: So. Gay dads. Great.
Ashley: There’s a point being missed here…
Jennifer: Can’t hear you, riding my unicorn!
Ashley: You see the world exclusively in stereotypes, don’t you?
Ashley: I feel like we went into this knowing it wasn’t going to go anywhere because we agree. Why are you such a bitch?
Jennifer: BRIGHTER THAN A LUCKY PENNY… You syphilitic harlot. Why doesn’t your nose just fall off? (From the syphilis)
Ashley: Is that what happens?
Jennifer: Yep. In the old days. Noses popping off left and right.
Ashley: In Anthrolopogy class, I learned that it rots holes in your skulls.
Jennifer: IT GETS BETTER.