During last week’s extremely contentious Star Wars showdown, a lovely reader named Maggie suggested a F*ck Marry Kill starring… the boys of Archie comics, weirdly. So, because editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff care, we did one. Of course, Ashley has never read an Archie comic, but that’s never stopped them before. As always, if you need a refresher on how to play “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” that sure surprises us, but here’s one anyway.
Jennifer: Would it surprise you to know that as a child, I was strongly Team Betty?
Ashley: That’s the blonde, right? The wholesome one?
Jennifer: Yes! She was smart and very nice to people. Veronica was the sophisticated, super-wealthy brunette.
Ashley: Who, it was also implied, was a woman of loose morals?
Jennifer: Yes, in this cartoon series marketed towards 6-year-olds, it was implied that. Veronica was a slut.
Ashley: I could tell because she wore eye makeup!
Jennifer: You saw right to the heart of things.
Ashley: So. The blonde one was pure and good and the brunette was selfish and evil? And rich and sophisticated? I’m glad they didn’t make things too complicated.
Jennifer: Yeah. I remember asking my mom at 6 which one she liked better, and my mom said, Veronica, and I said “why” and she said “because of EVERYTHING.” And then I walked away convinced my mother was a woman of poor character.
Ashley: It’s weird how children’s entertainment really injected this hatred for the rich in us. I can’t help but think unfavorably of every fictional rich girl ever–from Angelica on Rugrats to Bebe from Doug. Also, aren’t we doing Fuck Marry Kill? Shouldn’t this be about the boys?
Jennifer: Yes, like Batman, what a dick. And it should be! So – Reggie had a continuous crush on Veronica and was kind of egotistical and from a good family (I avoided saying rich because I didn’t want to set him up to be Batman). Jughead had a more platonic kind of worship of Betty, he was a jokester who ate a lot. And Archie was, I guess, just an all around good, popular guy, who was constantly torn between Veronica and Betty.
Ashley: We’re only allowed to sympathize with Batman/Bruce Wayne because in order to become fabulously wealthy he had to WATCH THE JOKER MURDER HIS PARENTS IN FRONT OF HIM.
Jennifer: Umm, that’s not how wealth works, Ashley.
Ashley: Sorry, I have to go back to money school!
Jennifer: Although a dead father does seem to be a common problem among many well to do families! I believe – in a desperate gambit to turn this ship around – that Reggie’s mother was the dead one.
Ashley: Okay, well, I already know what I’m going to pick and–since I’ve never read an Archie comic and just learned there were other guys in it besides Archie five minutes ago–I’m going to offer my picks based on my extremely cursory understanding of their personalities. Kill Archie because he was a deceitful Casanova. Fuck Reggie because he’s the conventionally good looking one (although he puts a lot of product in his hair and fucking narcissists is never a good idea). And marry Jughead because he’ll go to Woodside for Thai food with me. Yeah, Jughead and I will have a cool marriage united by our interest in eating everything. Also, there’s an oral joke in there somewhere but I’m not that lazy. Maybe you can do it for me?
Jennifer: I mean, I think an obvious downside is the amount of foreplay that will involve you turning yourself into a human sushi platter.
Ashley: Okay, wow. Shouldn’t have opened that. Already regret it. Really gross. I’m sorry. I’d still marry Jughead.
Jennifer: You’ve really corrupted something pretty sacred, here.
Ashley: What does Jughead look like?
Jennifer: I mean, my picks are so obvious that I feel like I should pick other people. Want to pick for me?
Ashley: WAIT HE WEARS A CROWN?
Jennifer: Yes. I believe it was crafted out of paper? Like the crowns you wear at Christmas dinner.
Ashley: Haha. Oh, god. Well, he still has a certain rakish charm. Anyway, you’d probably marry Reggie, fuck Archie and kill Jughead, right?
Jennifer: Obviously. I’m boring myself with that one.
Ashley: You always kill the ones I love.
Jennifer: Explain why I’d make those choices.
Ashley: You’d marry Reggie because he could send your kids to private school. You’d fuck Archie because… I can’t explain why you’d fuck Archie, though he certainly has that preppy charm you go for and I know how Brooks Brothers boxers make you weak. And you’d probably kill Jughead because he wears a crown that he fashioned out of paper.
Jennifer: NO! It’s because Reggie was the editor of the school newspaper and did not believe in censorship! Also, one of his heroes was George Orwell! Do you know what a fucking freak George Orwell was in real life?
Ashley: I have a headache.
Jennifer: His first day working at a bookshop he cried because he was told to restock the books. He thought the ones on the shelf were the only ones. In the world. Also, he proposed to every woman he met. Eventually he found one who would marry him! She laid his dinner out for him every day on the counter. But one day she put a tin of dogfood there. And Orwell got confused and ate it.
Ashley: Testing your loved ones is always dark.
Jennifer: I think it was just an accident. A hilarious accident that indicates while Orwell could keep the aspidistra flying, he could not differentiate between human and dog food. Maybe that’s why he wrote about animals so much. So, I would marry Reggie, because he idolized Orwell, who ate dog food because he didn’t know how to be a person. I find that charming, Fuck Orwell, maybe?
Ashley: This really went a place I didn’t expect, even for us.
Jennifer: I mean, it went to an entirely predictable place, in my case.
Ashley: So, I should pick for you, because it would be interesting, seemingly, except it will actually be boring because the opposite of what you’d pick is just what I’d actually pick. So I’d make you marry Jughead because I bet he has atrocious table manners.
Jennifer: OH GOD. I bet his laugh is awful, too. Do you think we could make it work though? I mean, hey, he loves food, I love food.
Ashley: Wait, I’m going to his Wiki page to learn about him. Hm, Jughead is 6’1”, so that’s really awesome for me. …Holy shit. His real name is Forsythe Pendleton Jones III.
Jennifer: WE COULD MAKE IT WORK.
Ashley: Wow. For once you and I could happily marry the same guy
Jennifer: I mean, a common conception about Jughead was that he hated women.
Ashley: Uninterested, according to this.
Jennifer: Didn’t hate dames, just loved food more.
Ashley: AND he’s tall? I’ll take him. So, I stand by my decision to marry Jughead, fuck Reggie, kill Archie. What’s yours?
Jennifer: Well, umm, I will marry Reggie because he can send our children to private school, fuck Archie because while he seems awful he is conventionally good looking in a preppy way and you know how Brooks Brothers boxers make me weak, and I’d kill Jughead because he wears a crown fashioned out of paper.