As a child of the 90’s, I was obsessed with Twin Peaks, because it was awesome. I consider Twin Peaks to be one of the most important predecessors to shows like X-Files, Lost and even comedies like Parks and Rec (basically anything quirky and unique). So when I heard that there was an inspired-by Twin Peaks fashion line of clothing out, I was totally ready to say “Shut up and take my money!” Then I actually took a look at the clothes.

They’re not all bad. The “Poor Laura” dress (above), inspired by the unfortunate demise of Sheryl Lee‘s character Laura Palmer, is amazing. I think this dress is a great interpretation of the many excellent fashions (yes, even for the 90’s) that Twin Peaks featured, and I would gladly shell out the $189 for it (if I had that kind of cash laying around for television show-inspired clothing). But the rest of the options are just…no.

4.This capelet costs more than my cell phone bill

Is it cool this that this is inspired by the bathroom walls at Twin Peaks High? Obviously. Do I love that it’s deliciously 90’s inspired as well? DUH! Am I willing to pay $179 for what amounts to 90210 – Red Riding Hood Edition? No.

3. Crushed velvet

Ah, crushed velvet. We meet again. Honestly, this dress is gorgeous (and I see what you did there with the peaks around the model’s “Twin Peaks”, Sucker Apparel), but crushed velvet and I just do not mix. Can anyone say “boob sweat?”

2. I Want to love this dress, but…

First of all, more velvet? Really? Second, as much as I love the premise behind this dress, especially the lodge-inspired print and the oh-so-meaningful heart cut out in the back, this hemline is just too much. From the front this dress looks like something Morticia Adams would wear on laundry day.

1. Log Lady Leggings

 The only thing worse than wearing leggings to pay homage to the Log Lady is paying $64.00 to do so. Take a look at the video below. I could put together an entire Log Lady costume for $64.99. Actually, now I know what I’m going to do this weekend!