The Hierophant and Art: You often describe your taste in music as “eclectic.” It isn’t. It is in fact unerringly pedestrian. Also, you have mistaken reading Marion Zimmer Bradley novels for creativity. The nicest adjective that has ever been applied to you is “harmless.”

The Hermit and the Wheel of Fortune: Someday, a rich man will come to town and ask for the woman who can watch more episodes of TV shows she’s already seen on Netflix and drink more Diet Dr Pepper than anyone. That woman will be you; you will live out the rest of your days in unspeakable luxury.

The High Priestess and the Six of Swords: The last time you were in love was the real thing. The next time will prove not quite as satisfying, the next even less so. Very few people in your life think you’re sincere when you apologize for being late. They say they forgive you, but they are in fact amassing a tiny collection of resentments that will eventually poison your friendship.

The Chariot and the Tower: The two fates in life you fear the most – creatively satisfying poverty vs. comfortable mediocrity – will never be yours. You will never be comfortable, but you will also fail to live up to your own hopes. You will never even be given the opportunity to sell out.

Judgment and the Stars: You will shoot for the moon, you will land among the stars, you will die alone and panicked in space, jerking and gasping for air in the dazzling cold.

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