Hey ladies! Have you had an abortion? Are you afraid you’re going to go to H-E-double hockey sticks for it? Do you believe the pope has magical deciding powers over these matters? Do you have a spare $500-$700 lying around? Well then, head on down to Madrid, Spain for the Vatican’s six-day-only Baby Killer Forgive-A-Thon!

That’s right, for only the price of a plane ticket, accommodations, food and probably some knickknacks, you too can obtain a get-out-of-hell free card, despite having committed a terrible murder in the eyes of God. I’d been hoping they’d bring indulgences back. They are so totally retro.

“But isn’t this why Martin Luther had beef with the Catholic church in the first place?” Jennifer asks. Um, duh! Clearly, ML was just jealous of all the cool hats, golden fineries, and peasant blood the priests were able to purchase with all that money. Plus, those people got to go to heaven. Win-win.

Act now, while supplies last! Or, as Amanda Marcotte at XXfactor points out, you could simply stop being a Catholic for the low price of free. You will no longer have to deal with the church’s hypocritical efforts to control female sexuality while covering up their own sexual abuse of children, and you won’t even have to go to hell, because guess what? There is no such thing.

Additionally, you won’t have to deal with all the protests going down at World Youth Day, which, judging from recent events in Spain, may or may not turn violent. You see, this particular country’s “world youth” are at 40% unemployment, and they’re not too stoked the government is spending valuable resources on a lavish celebration of a fairy tale while at the same time imposing harsh austerity measures on the middle and lower classes.

World Youth Day: come for the magical exemption from a non-existent place, stay for the violent clashes between police and protestors.