Cruel Intentions Kathryn's Black Suit Wine(Via Tumblr)

Malt does more than Milton can to justify God’s ways to man.” It also does more than any self-help book or philosophy text can to tell us about ourselves. For example, my philosophy textbook tells me that I am the kind of person who doesn’t do the reading for class. My pilsner glass full of wine tells me that I believe every beverage should be consumed with specialized glassware, and that I have not done the dishes in like six weeks.

(Related: This Hack Will Let You Wear Dark Lipstick Without Leaving a Mark on Your Wine Glass)

Today is National Drink Wine day, which is great news, even though I had no idea about it until five minutes ago because I basically thought every day was drink wine day. But this is an important event because the contents of our wine glasses 100% tell us everything we need to know about ourselves. Here’s what the contents of your wine glass say about you:

1. White wine

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You’ve never been fired, and you’re starting to worry that’s a sign  you aren’t trying hard enough. Truly, you aren’t trying very hard. Whether that means you’re complacent or just so good you don’t have to try is up to you, but you and I both know that you lie awake at night thinking, “How much is even left of me that I recognize as myself?”

2. Red wine

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Red wine is good for the heart, and you also love the sight of a nice, big-bowled glass of dark, leggy wine resting between your manicured fingers. It’s almost as good as cigarettes were, and you smoked longer than you wanted just because you liked to look at the smoke trailing up from your cigarette. That seems like a lifetime ago, though, and you can’t believe you were ever so dumb as to smoke cigarettes. (When you spot wrinkles above your upper lip, you name them “Marlboro Medium” and “Gauloises.”) You love your partner and have a great life and everything is going perfectly in your long, healthy, wonderful romance of best friends who are equals and also sexually attracted to each other, except that your partner thinks it’s OK to put a TV above a fireplace, and you might need to get a divorce now.

3. Rose wine

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Just because you really wanted a pair of Marc by Marc Jacobs mouse shoes 10 years ago doesn’t mean you can’t have them now if you find them on sale. There’s no such thing as “out” anyway. You don’t think of yourself as trendy, but it does happen a lot that you get obsessed with something just before it becomes an enormous part of the zeitgeist. If you could harness that power for stock-picking purposes, Warren Buffet would come to your house and beg you to teach him to invest.

4. Champagne

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You could be at a fancy party, or you could be sitting on your couch in pajamas that haven’t been washed in a year, either way, you love luxury and fanciness and physical pleasure for its own sake. You have a half-tended Instagram account because sometimes you worry you should perform a good life for your friends, but you keep forgetting to post things because you’re too busy living your good llife. OK, that life involves drinking a lot of Champagne–both in your pajamas and in your high heels–but it’s pretty great.

5. Sherry

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I feel like you must have a very interesting story. Or if you do not have an interesting story, at least you have interesting stories to tell about other people, even if you don’t live a particularly interesting story yourself. You don’t clean your own house. Either your house is filthy and you simply maintain an elegant buzz that allows you to tiptoe around your own laundry, or your house is pristine and you pay someone else to clean it for you. You had a weird college major and get twitchy when people talk about college degrees as being investments with ROIs and telling everyone to go into STEM because that’s where the money is.

6. Seltzer

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You’re trying to make the best of things, and I appreciate that. Whether you’re pregnant and trying to feel like a normal person who hasn’t leased out her body to a human symbiote, or you’re at work, or you just don’t drink, you at least still appreciate the paraphernalia. You love accessories. You don’t like absinthe but love the ritual of dissolving sugar cubes over fancy spoons. You even kind of like the idea of wearing a statement watch even though nobody needs a watch anymore because we all just use our phones. Old stuff is the best, isn’t it?

7. Pennies

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Are you a drugstore? Or maybe you’re just really, really cluttered and need to try the KonMari method. Don’t feel bad about it. If your loose change is in a wine glass and not on your floor, you’re already a step ahead of me. And you’re definitely a step ahead of that time I was experiencing chronic shoulder pain and thought it was cancer or a torn ligament, and then I realized I just had $40 worth of pennies and nickels floating in the bottom of my purse.