When I was a kid I thought The Golden Girls was just a TV show designed to appeal to grandmothers–my grandma loved it–but in retrospect it was groundbreaking, boundary-pushing, and utterly brilliant. It starred four older women who were independent and sexually active even though they were “of an age.” And it was hilarious. We all love The Golden Girls, but which star you like best says more about you than your DNA or your fingerprints. Here’s what your favorite Golden Girl says about you.
We all want to be Blanche a little bit, right? I mean, even if we’re really a Dorothy or a Sophia, life is more worth living when you’re at least a little bit Blanche. You care a lot about your looks and your youth and your beauty, but you’re also the most likely to continue living right until you’re dead. Your high school didn’t vote you Most Likely to do anything, but that’s because they didn’t have a category for “Most Likely to move to Paris at 62 and make a fortune selling trashy young adult romance novels about rich teen girls having lots of sex with hot young ghosts and vampires and the occasional Italian.” You want self-actualization and the respect of your peers, but you also want sapphires and sex and Champagne. Get it, girl.
Are you entirely sure you don’t want to be a senator? Or maybe Secretary of State? You have the gravitas and the no-nonsense attitude to lead the world to great places, if you can just resist from falling down a rabbit hole of correcting people’s grammar on the Internet.
You are the manic pixie dream girl that isn’t supposed to exist, but you do, and that confuses people. You flutter into people’s lives like a quirky ball of joy, sputtering little nuggets of insight that people won’t really appreciate until long after you’ve left the room. You’re a bright and fizzy innocent delight, like a mimosa for brunch. But you pack a punch, like six mimosas for brunch. People underestimate you all the time, but that’s their loss, not yours.
You are so funny! Well, you’re kind of mean, but you think that’s funny. You value no quality in life more than speaking one’s mind, and you have been waiting your entire life for an occasion to flip a table and stride out of a room with two middle fingers held aloft. Someday you’ll do it. I believe in you. (If you want to grow up to be Sophia, you might want to start by being Theresa Giudice. I’m pretty sure they’re both stops on the same spectrum.)
Whichever Golden Girl you relate to the most, the show at its heart was about female friendships, and it’s important to maintain those. Women tend to outlive men, so even if you are a heterosexual woman in a deeply committed and loving life-long monogamous relationship, do not give up your girls. You might wind up a retired old lady and need someone to eat cheesecake and drink gin with.