After Halloween, Easter might be the most candy-friendly holiday. While some parents have been trying to turn Easter into a second Christmas for years, I think most of us know that Easter is really about pumping ourselves full of so much sugar we forget how many raw eggs we hid around our house. If Easter candy is good, though, leftover Easter candy is better. Here’s what your favorite leftover Easter candy says about you:
You don’t really believe in holidays, but you do have a weird affinity for that plastic grass people stuff in Easter baskets. The current weather is making you crazy because it’s too cold for your winter coat but not warm enough for your spring coat yet, so you’ve been either freezing or sweaty for a week. Whichever coat you decide to wear, the pockets will be full of crumbs. You’ve never been able to figure out how to clean the pockets of a coat.
Cadbury Creme Eggs
You should go on one of those HGTV shows where people remodel houses to make them sell for more money, because with your taste for neutral walls and inoffensive decor, you’d probably make a fortune. You own at least two hair-straightening tools. Whenever it gets near Easter, you get as excited about Creme Eggs as you do when Pumpkin Spice Lattes come out in the fall, but you wait to indulge until after Easter, when you can buy them for pennies in the after-Easter sales. There’s almost certainly a Mucha or Renoir print somewhere in your house.
You love bacon! There’s a nonzero chance you have a mustache tattooed somewhere on your body. You laugh at school children when you read that students are saying their biggest career dream is “YouTuber,” but secretly you wish that were your job, too.
Kinder Surprise Eggs
You think of yourself as sophisticated and European. You’re a world-traveler whose home is decorated with all the beautiful objects you fell in love with on your journeys. You’d call it “eclectic.” Your mom calls it “cluttered.” You tried to do the Marie Kondo cleaning method where you go through your house and throw away everything that doesn’t spark joy, but you only threw away your dust pan. (You kept the broom because sometimes you like to pretend to be a witch.) This will be a problem next time you sweep, which will probably be in two months or so.
Chocolate coconut haystacks shaped like nests with jelly bean eggs in them
(Via Russell Stover)
You are one whimsical motherfucker. You’re as posh as Gwyneth Paltrow, but a little less try-hard. You belong to an exclusive club primarily for the opportunity to look at carved stone mantels every once in a while. You have a massive collection of high-end designer vintage, and you are really, really good at shopping TJ Maxx.
There is way too much shit in your purse right now. In general you’re doing great and everyone loves you, but you seriously need to empty that thing out before you develop a debilitating and irreparable case of tendonitis.
You desperately want to be one of those cool girls who looks all tough and edgy and wears dainty little vintage dresses and makes them look weird and dangerous, but whenever you try, you feel like you look like someone who is about to hand out some religious literature. It just doesn’t look weird or edgy on you! You want to look like Elizabeth Taylor with tattoos, but you look like Debbie Reynolds. Grandmothers adore you, but that’s because they don’t know that you just look that sweet. In real life, you are a person who saws the heads of chocolate bunnies to use them as shot glasses.