Pajamas are the life; it says so in the Bible. OK, maybe that’s not the right quote, but really, pajamas are everything. We talk a good game about how we dress for ourselves and not other people, but honestly most of the time we’re dressing for the way we want our audience to see us. If we’re really dressing for ourselves, there’s only one way to tell that, and that is by assessing what we wear when there’s no one else to see us. Here’s what your pajamas say about you.
Your family shield is a rose-cheeked, doe-eyed face of a doll, and the motto says: “Be afraid, motherfuckers.” You understand the patriarchy well enough to wrap it around your little finger, or rather wrap it around your wrist and then use the leverage to choke out your enemies. Everyone underestimates you, and that’s just how you like it. You drive a pink car and wear twinsets and you know about perfume and drink Champagne almost exclusively and know how to giggle disarmingly, but you are ambitious and driven and you will flatten anyone who gets in your way.
Matching cotton pajamas
You really wish you’d started that YouTube makeup channel back in 2007, but you really thought the market was glutted by then. You always wanted to be an actress, but really you mostly wanted to be famous. Now that you look at your desires through an adult lens, you realize that what you really wanted was to be hereditary aristocracy and just be praised for walking around and being pretty and well-educated. You have very good taste in food and wine. Someday you’ll figure out how to monetize that. For now, you’re just being clever on Twitter and hoping someone notices.
Yoga pants and an old T-shirt
There are cartoons on TV that need watching, and you are here to make sure that happens. You’re pretty comfortable in yourself. Sure, if you put in a little more effort you could be TV hot, but you’re not a TV star and there’s nobody in your house judging you for anything. As you get older, you will come to appreciate how loved and supported you are in all things. Like, you don’t think you could disappoint your parents if you tried. You worry constantly about making them proud, but if you baked a batch of cookies and only burned them a little bit, your parents would print out photos of the cookies and take them to the club and show their friends the amazing cookies you made.
Chanel No. 5
You’re saucy and flirty and quick with the bons mots, and nobody will ever know that you actually are going commando because you haven’t done laundry in six months, or that you are the cool girl wearing the beret because you haven’t washed your hair in like a year. You have multiple degrees from fancy schools, and literally the best thing you have ever done in your life is that time you figured out how to fix a clogged drain by yourself with just craft supplies in your house.
Giant fluffy dressing gown
You have very clean floors, because how else could you swan through your home wearing what is essentially a giant Swiffer? I am deeply envious of your ability to wear something like this without just having a whole rope of grotesque nonsense tangled in your hem. The rest of the world wants to be beautiful and dramatic like you, but we live among the cat hair and dust bunnies. Your whole life may play out on Instagram and you do not know whose approval it is that you are looking for, but your floors are clean and you’ve found a foundation that matches your neck, and for that we salute you.