Wow, we really want Condoleezza Rice to get married. I mean, we, as a nation, not… anyone in this office, in particular. I mean, I think it would be nice if she fell in love, I guess? I think it would be nice if everyone fell in love and had great committed relationships that brought out the best in one another! In an ideal world, that would be the case. But this is the real world, and I think she’s okay. I don’t think we need to worry about her failing at life. She’s good.

But obviously, Piers Morgan thinks we need to worry. When interviewing Condi he asked her repeatedly about her feelings about being single and her “dream wedding”. My favorite question was, “So look, ten years time, you can either be the first female president, or you can be happily married to a hunky NFL football player.” Good Lord. She was the former Secretary of State. If she was spending as much time as Piers seemed to think doodling her dream wedding dress, I’d be terrified.  Condoleezza, well, she just kind of stared at him. She was very polite. Anyhow! Now, this slide-show is dedicated to helping Condi secure a mate. So, let’s talk about potential reasons she needs to get married right now, because I’m trying to make sense of this:

Because we need her genes: Strong, piano playing politician genes insure the future of this great nation. That is true. However, Condi is 57. I think that ship might have sailed. And, even if hadn’t, that logic feels a little Germany, 1942.

Because she needs someone to take care of her: First of all, this is logic you outgrow your sophomore year of college, unless you’re really deeply enmeshed in your sorority or Anna Nicole Smith. Your husband is probably not going to make you feel like a pretty princess all the time because he’s going to be busy playing Wii. That’s okay. You can take care of yourself. And I think Condoleezza Rice can take care of herself really, really well.

Because we want her to be haaaapppyy: Marriage isn’t the only factor contributing to happiness, especially when you have a bunch of other stuff going on in your life. Sure, it’s a part of the pie, but it’s not the whole filling, crust and sprinkles. The whole pie. That’s what I’m saying. It’s not the whole pie. Condi seems like she has a lot of aspects in her life that are going enviably well, so maybe it’s okay for her not to focus on this too much. If it’s meant to happen, it will. But stressing over it would only decrease her overall happiness.

Because to be truly successful, as a woman, you still have to hit certain targets like “marriage, and kids.” All else is dross: This logic is dumb.