Via.

We’re big fans of drinking fancy cocktails ’round here, but let’s be honest: not everybody’s version of “fancy” is the same. In New York, “fancy” means “a handcrafted $16 cocktail made by an attractive man with a beard,” whereas in Syracuse (my hometown), “fancy” means “an orange slushie with cake-flavored vodka in it and an umbrella.” That is a drink that I have ordered more than once, by the way, while eating cheesy popcorn in a public place. I was not the only person doing this–the whole bar was drinking Pinnacle that night, in fact–which makes the whole thing even sadder.

So, in honor of my beloved, fancy schmancy creamsicle slushie cocktail order, I have decided to compile a little listsicle of all the flavored vodkas out there that are far more horrifying than simply tasting like a boozy cake. Grab the bed pan, folks–this one’s going to get disgusting.

1. Wasabi

This flavor will presumably ruin your mouth and everything you’ve ever wanted to eat thereafter, just like real wasabi.

2. Pickle

Perhaps I’m biased because I think pickles are one of the single worst items to exist on this here Earth thing, but this “Chilled Dills” vodka just sounds horrible in every single way.

3. Fresh Cut Grass

Yes, this is really a thing. I am serious.

4. Coconut Water

“Hang on a moment, Sam,” I hear you rationally quip towards your laptop screen, “I enjoy coconut water and vodka–what’s not to like here?” But sometimes, two arguably wonderful things do not make a single, compounded wonderful thing. Actually, that is usually if not always the case when it comes to flavored vodkas.

5. Cookie Dough

I once brought this while on a lovely, scenic trip in Maine. To this day, it is the only bottle of alcohol I have ever deliberately poured down the drain.

6. Fruit Loops

You wouldn’t put vodka on your cereal, would you? No. Because that’s effing crazy.

7. Cinnabon Vodka

So you can feel like you’re experiencing the two best/worst things about the airport all at once!

8. Purple

WTF IS PURPLE VODKA. Or “purple” as a flavor, in general. Is that like blue raspberry except they didn’t even feel like making up an imaginary-yet-oddly-standardized fruit?

9. Bacon

I, too, jumped on the bacon craze a few years ago. I jumped off it upon hearing of bacon vodka–spelled “Bakon Vodka”–just once.

10. PB&J

Just like mom used to make it, if your mom was a 23-year-old SAE fifth year senior.

11. Cotton Candy

Pinnacle’s “County Fair Cotton” flavor sounds like a concoction created by a resentful carnie on the last day of the state fair.

12. Fluffed & Whipped

It’s always good to have a choice between bad and awful.

13. Root Beer

Root beer in and of itself is a delightful carbonated beverage. It is simply uncalled for the desecrate it in this manner.

14. Glazed Donut

Donuts are one of my favorite desserts on the planet. I’m just unsure I would want it in any cocktail or shot glass ever.

15. Wedding Cake Vodka

If you plan on serving this at your wedding, you deserve to be alone forever.

To be fair, taking one shot of this shit won’t kill you, nor will you develop Fruit Loop-flavored acid reflux for the rest of your sad, drunken days. Might as well take a step back to your freshman year of college and down a little bit of these cutesy, colorful boozes, right? Just don’t be bitter when your vom tastes like “purple.”