You know what my favorite food is? Heroin burgers. A lot of people think heroin addicts are too skinny, which is why I just load my beef up with opiates. I guess the people in this Australian PSA ad don’t know how to do that.

(True story: my parents took me to McDonald’s once a week when I was growing up. I am now a very normal body weight, and eat a lot of fruits, vegetables and lean protein. I no longer find the idea of hamburgers from McDonald’s very appealing, because I am no longer 6.

Another true story: kids whose parents inject them with heroin mostly just die. )