stifler american pie

Sex tips? Grooming advice? 20-somethings need it all, and happily, other 20-somethings who aren’t better than you are happy to dole it out., a website for the marginally literate, has a harsh wake up call entitled “The 100 Things Every 20-Something Needs To Realize.” It’s written by columnist Paul Hudson, who is the guy who writes “Brutally honest” on his OKCupid profile. Hudson has advice for us on many exciting fronts besides simply grooming and dating tips. He’s also your go-to guy for learning to be an arrogant twat with no friends.

So, who is Paul Hudson, the great knower of all things? According to Paul’s author bio over at EliteDaily (which despite the third person, he obviously wrote about himself), he’s a “young writer, philosopher, music producer and DJ”, with “many interests stretching from physical activities such as dancing, running, bike riding and swimming to consuming as much information as he possibly can in just about any intellectual field. With a passion for love and a love of life, where life will take him is yet to be decided.” A philosopher-DJ? Eat your heart out, Plato.

The whole list could generously be called a trainwreck, but let’s delve into the 10 most WTF tips for a successful life in which no one will like you.

3. Shaving is more than a suggestion. That goes for men and double for women.

As we’ve learned, men with facial hair don’t look like virile sex gods I want to do weird mouth things to/on/at. Don’t even get me started on “women” who don’t put a double premium on removing their body hair. They aren’t even women at this point. Women should be hairless sex holes for doing sex with.

15. Sex is better if you are emotionally involved with your partner.

This man has engaged in sexual congress, at least twice (to allow for comparison).

16. Reading is always better than watching TV.

I agree with him on this one, and may I applaud him for taking the road less traveled on the great book vs. TV debate. In fact, I just finished You Can Run But You Can’t Hide, which is the book based on A&E’s Dog the Bounty Hunter.

22. There is no such thing as free.

Also true. Those people with the “FREE HUGS” signs all had boners.

28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup.

29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go. (Ed note: These just go together, right?)

If he can get past your monstrous visage straight from a campy horror movie, then he’s the one. But don’t go and get comfortable by eating food or not wearing makeup to sleep and swim. Never poop.

32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker

“No” means “please stick your finger up my bum hole even though I said I wasn’t into it.”

34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2.

Ladies, do you hear me? Don’t put out until the third date, or your man will move onto sticking his fingers up other lady’s butts against their will!

35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain.

Is this a reference to Shakira’s seminal “Whenever, Wherever?” Apparently, Hudson has confused breasts with mountains.

80. It is morally wrong to be obese.

A moral edict from the Philospher-DJ who sticks his fingers into unwelcoming buttholes.

82. Slow and gentle will always get her off. Rough and intense only works on occasion.

You’re doing it wrong.

 Photo: American Pie, 1999, Universal Pictures