I will admit, I can get down with some Ben & Jerry’s and an episode of The Bachelor. If only because without The Bachelor, there would be no Rock of Love with Brett Michaels (possibly the single most entertaining reality show of all time), I have a soft spot in my heart for the granddaddy of all reality shows.
The great thing about The Bachelor is that it’s time efficient. You can indulge in every romantic trope known to man, from candlelit dinners in paradise to hot tub sex to tearful breakups, all distilled into 45 minutes. It’s like mainlining romance. The Bachelor, for me is like Bugles. I don’t love Bugles. I know that they are horrible for me and the Earth and full of empty
promises calories. But if you put one in my hand, I will devour the entire bag like Wolverine.
The last time I watched one episode of The Bachelor, I proceeded to watch the entire season back to back. Around episode 8, I started daydreaming about landing a role on the show. The ladies of ABC’s best prime time soap all have a few crucial points in common, so I made a list of study points for my proposed audition.
1. Be Conventionally Attractive
This one is a given. Six weeks is not a lot of time to make a man fall in love with you, and there’s a good chance you won’t even make it past the first rose ceremony. Make it easier on your future husband by being really, really hot straight out of the gate. Remember, no girl has ever won with a pixie cut. Also, natural beauty is for losers. You will need approximately 274 tubes of sparkly nude lipgloss.
2. Have an interesting, historically feminine career.
Your occupation will be displayed below your name and age in every single episode, so you better be able to distill it into three words or less. Good choices are nanny, nurse, physical therapist, hairstylist, or student. Does your chosen field frown upon ditching out for six weeks to go on a reality TV show? Sucks for you, engineers. Contestants that leave early for work never win.
3. Be at least mostly white.
After 18 seasons of The Bachelor and 9 of The Bachelorette, there has not been a single chosen winner of color. This year’s Bachelor, Juan Pablo, is the first minority Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is great. But your odds of being cast on either side are still historically better if you’re white. So far, he’s narrowed down his potential fiancées to two blondes, one of whom is also partly Hispanic and possibly bilingual.
4. Have a cool family.
Hometown dates are an integral part of the final selection process.You only get a few magical moments for your shared boyfriend of six weeks to judge your wife potential by your family, so they need to be on point. Make sure you have a decent relationship with your parents and a picturesque house to show him. Your family also better be cool pretending that you’ve made a “real connection.” Bonus points for a family home in the South and a grandma who is your role model.
But not too much. Remaining on a reality show long enough to win the ultimate prize of the Bachelor’s affection is a delicate game. On the one hand, if you get too drunk, you will undoubtedly be one of the first eliminated (everyone knows the first three rounds of eliminations are the drunks, the criers, and the yellers). But if you’re too bland and boring, you’ll never make it to the location change episode. Walk that fine line of buzzed enough to catfight, but not too drunk to feign interest in the Bachelor’s lukewarm lust for you.
6. Remember why you’re here.
You absolutely must memorize the “right reasons” to audition for a shot at a mystery Bachelor’s heart, and repeat them to anyone who will listen. You want to “find love.” The Bachelor, no matter who he is, is exactly the type of man you’ve been waiting for your entire life. Do not, under any circumstances, disclose your aspirations of modeling, singing, or acting, or that you just wanted a free trip to Tahoe and some cheap champagne.
7. Make sure you already have enough girlfriends to round out that wedding party.
Repeat: you are not here to make friends. Friends are for losers. Straight male soulmates are for winners. Keep your friends at home, because these bitches are going down.
8. Look hot in a bikini.
If you intend to take this thing all the way, you will eventually be filmed walking down a beach, gazing into the surf, dreaming about your future with Steamy McBlondypants. Don’t be camera shy, or ruin the moment with sloppy abs. It’s not just about a pretty face.
9. Fine tune your vocabulary.
Make flashcards with the following phrases: “Here for the right reasons.” “Traditional values.” “Find love.” “Great chemistry.” “Believe in soulmates.” “Two faced backstabber.” “He’s perfect.” “Falling for him.” “Fairy tale.” “Dream come true.” “Man of my dreams.” If you don’t use at least three of these phrases per episode, your feelings for the Bachelor are a lie and you will be eliminated.
10. Be a little unhinged.
Crazy makes good TV, and losing your mind a little proves that you are here for the right reasons.
Here is a list of things that will not get you eliminated from The Bachelor: Sobbing because a man with whom you’ve spent less than three consecutive hours did not pick you to go sky diving. Pouring out your entire romantic history on a first date. Sobbing because another girl kissed your pretend boyfriend. Actively sabotaging another girl’s attempts at happiness. Sobbing because you just love this man so, so much.
Things that might get you eliminated: Choosing your career over the slimmest chance at love. Refusing to use the Fantasy Suite to its full potential. Poor taste in formal wear.
Bonus Round: Your odds of making the cast increase by 5% for a name ending in ie, ee, or y, and decrease 17% for visible tattoos. Extra points are awarded for working with children or animals and the correct use of a Bump-It.
I am only three glasses of pink wine and some hair extensions away from finding the man of my dreams. Watch out, Kristi, Crystal, and Kristelle. I am coming for you, and I’m not here to make friends.