This academic paper over at the Journal of Cosmology is a little bit dense (and I got a C in astronomy, so there’s that). However, I did manage to learn some pretty cool things about sex, ovulation, and reproduction in outer space. And then I was super grateful I didn’t become an astronaut.

1. NASA hasn’t banned space sex, per se.

NASA has no policy regarding sex in space and its repercussions (Office of Audits, 2010), other than to request, in 2008, that astronauts voluntarily abide by an “Astronaut Code of Professional Responsibility” and maintain “a constant commitment to honourable behaviour.”

2. Ladiez only exist to get knocked up.

Biologically, females serve one purpose: to get pregnant (Joseph 2000a, 2001a,b, 2002).

3. But human ladiez always want to do it.

However, the human female is also the only female regardless of species, who is sexually receptive at all times and who has evolved secondary sexual characteristics, e.g. the enlarged breasts and derriere, which signal to males and females alike, her sexual availability (Joseph 2000a,b).

4. … but not always with you.

Like other mammals, human females are “choosy” and prefer sex with high status males who can offer prestige and resources (Buss, 1994; Betzig, 1985; Betzig et al., 1988; Symons, 1979; Townsend, 1989).

5. Women are total sluts for astronauts.

As related by former Shuttle Astronaut Mike Mullane (2007), male astronauts are commonly flown all over the U.S. to locations where they often attend cocktail receptions and dinners and are actively solicited by young sexy women. “Beside the open bars at our soirees, there were other attractions for the males… young, beautiful women. Lots of them…. a potpourri of pussy…. I had been in enough officer’s clubs in my life to know that aviator wings had babe-attracting power… but there was an even more powerful pheromone than jet-jockey wings: The title ‘astronaut.’ We males found ourselves surrounded by quivering cupcakes. Some were blatantly on the make, wearing spray-on clothes revealing high-beam nipples and smiles that screamed, ‘take me.’ Even the gold bands on the fingers of the married were no deterrent to many of these woman. They were equal opportunity groupies.” A common sight in the mornings were the “married colleagues with red-blasted all nighter eyes trailing the odor of alcohol and sex as they exited a motel room with a smiling young woman” (Mullane 2007).

6. Successful ladiez are going to get raped.

Primate females will compete for access to preferred males, and will fight and threaten one another for the privilege of having sex with these males (Fedigan, 1992). However, primate males also try to monopolize females, and high status males tend to attack and drive off low status males (Goodall, 1971, 1986; Nishida, 1990; Sade, 1967). Male primates will also rape high status estrus female primates who resist.

7. Lady astronauts are especially going to get raped. In space.

Consider for example, the case of 32-year-old Dr. Judith Lapierre, a Ph.D. health sciences specialist, sponsored by the Canadian Space Agency, who participated in a 110-day isolation experiment designed to simulate a long duration space mission (Oberg 2000; Warren, 2000). According to Dr. Lapierre, two of her Russian international crew mates became embroiled in a 10 minute violent blood splattering fight, immediately after which she was physically accosted and manhandled by the team commander, a Russian, who began forcibly kissing her and sticking his tongue in her mouth (Oberg, 2000; Warren, 2000).

8. It is probably possible to get knocked up in space.

Like other female mammals, the human female is most likely to actively seek sex when she is ovulating and most likely to get pregnant (e.g., Gold & Burt, 1978; Matteo & Rissman, 1984; Udry & Morris, 1968, 1970; Wolfe, 1991). Hence, women become pregnant in the hostile conditions of the Antarctic; and there is no reason to suspect they may not become pregnant on Mars.

9. It’s definitely possible to menstruate in space.

According to Jennings and Baker (2008), menstruation during space flight lasting up to 18 days has never proved a problem and no symptoms of retrograde menstruation or pain associated with endometriosis have been reported. Unfortunately, although a few women have flown on the International Space Station for periods longer than 100 days (e.g., Sunita Williams, 194 days, Dr. Peggy Whitson, 350 days) privacy concerns have prevented the collection and reporting of data on female menstrual functioning for long duration space missions.

10. Astronauts will make shitty moms.

There is now considerable evidence that biologically meaningful interactions between mothers and offspring are changed in the weightlessness of space (Crawford-Young 2006; Ronca 2003). Studies of young rat litters launched at 9 days of postnatal age or earlier, have been characterized by compromised maternal–offspring interactions and behavioral abnormalities (Ronca 2003). Although alterations in gravity would have a profound impact on the maternal-infant relationship, the stress of space flight would also be a factor. Prolonged and chronic stress would effect the mother, fetus, infant and child and disturbances in the mother-infant relationship would have severe effects on the brain and mind of the child (Joseph 1982, 1998, 1999a,b, 2000a,c). In addition, prenatal stress is a direct cause of fetal mortality, abnormal brain functioning, abnormal nursing behavior, and increased postnatal mortality.

11. This article was fucking weird.