photo: Shutterstock

photo: Shutterstock

I am an equal opportunity enjoyer of all made up holidays, but Valentine’s Day can be a real bitch for babes that aren’t locked down.

1. Everyone knows you’re single.

Is she or isn’t she? via

You think you are so mysterious, leaving your Facebook relationship status blank and vaguely quoting Carrie Bradshaw when people ask if you’re seeing anyone special. But on Friday, every girl without flowers on her desk is outed as hopelessly, obviously unattached. Whether you’re juggling three casual partners or smarting from a bad breakup, prepare for a flood of unsolicited blind date offers and JDate gift cards.

2. No reservations. Anywhere.

No one gets between me and my takeout order. via

Not only is your “usual” taken off the menu and replaced by prix fixe shenanigans like duck ravioli where your salmon burger should be, but there is nothing but a sea of pre-booked two tops as far as the eye can see. “You don’t need a man! Plan a fabulous girl’s night with ten of your closest gal pals!” says lady mag. Sure, let me just arm wrestle the fifteen couples monopolizing every table at my favorite overpriced Italian place. You win this round, lovers.

3. Love thyself, drain thy bank account.

Because I am worth it, I use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to buy myself all the things that my imaginary lover isn’t buying me on this special day. Imaginary because (a) no real life paramour of mine would flop out the amount that I will on bath bombs and lipstick (b) because my skincare secrets are closely guarded from everyone (except the entire internet). It starts innocently enough with a cupcake splurge after lunch, and ends when you pass out face first into your online shopping cart with your credit card buried under Sephora receipts.

4. Your vices will be judged.

Have a bag of frozen tater tots and half a bottle of Pinot Noir for dinner any other night and it’s just a Wednesday. Do it on V Day and it’s a cry for help from a sad, lonely spinster who will probably choke on a tot and die alone with only the Real Housewives to hear her scream.

5. That awkward moment when you have to define your relationship.

Prepare for an unpleasant dose of reality if you’re in love limbo. You thought you could just coast along, enjoying the sexy company of your undefined romantic partner. NOPE. Time to find out if you’re the heartbreaker or the heartbreak-ee. Will you crack and ask them to be exclusive? Stall with a witty e-card? Or shatter their hopes and dreams and ignore their texts to go out with your girlfriends? Clock’s ticking.

6. No one wants to hang out.

Let’s have a collective pout that Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday. Maybe I want to get drunk and dance on bars, or hit a show, or play a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity. But no, all your friends will be busy trying to convince their significant others that a pizza and Dilbert card are totes romantic after three years of dating. Have fun alone.

7. Your sad single friends.

Not everyone can be single and fabulous. We all have at least one friend who will spend the evening crying into her Cosmo, wishing she had a man to make fun of her statement booties and hold her purse while she uses the bar bathroom. Will you leave her alone with only Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson‘s rom com greatest hits to comfort her? Or will you take on the heroic task of dragging her on a single lady bar crawl?

8. The Valentine’s Day haters.

Channel your rage. via

Just because I am not attached on Valentine’s Day does not mean I want to join your rage fest against all things pink and gooey and romantic. I very much enjoy love letters and roses and think it’s just great that monogamous folks have an excuse to get down with their bad selves in overpriced hotel rooms. Singles get to do that ALL THE TIME! Pull up a park bench, grab some popcorn, and enjoy watching the most spectacular fights and hilariously inappropriate PDA that couples might have all year. Save your rage.

9. No casual sex.

Good luck calling your friend with benefits or booty call for some V Day nookie. They will undoubtedly think you are trying to lasso them into a last minute Valentine’s Day romance fest and run far, far away. Better sublimate those urges with a slasher flick.

10. Cheese. Cheese everywhere.

You can try to pretend February 14 is a normal day, but even the most die hard singles will end up eating a heart shaped chocolate or indulging in a little late night Pretty Woman watching. Bust out an ugly holiday sweater, stick a bow on your head, and make yourself the best grumpy cupid you can be.

The silver lining to the most awkward holiday ever is the blessed day of February 15. You can pick up as much schlocky pink stuff as your little heart desires for half off. I have a collection of heart themed plates, mugs, and tea towels that I use all year round, all scored immediately post Love Day. And yes, I am absolutely the kind of girl who buys six boxes of Russell Stover Assorted Creams for half price. Because budget binging is the best kind of binging.

Happy Valentine’s Day!